Saturday, 21 March 2015

Unicorns and Donkeys

The world seems to think that a unicorn is a mythical beast. It's used to describe the impossible love, the lacuna between reality and desire.

I believe in unicorns. I think unicorns are just like love. They cannot exist, until you give something of yourself in the belief of it.

Unicorns are magical. They bring light, joy and fantasy. I had a unicorn, and then I stopped believing, and it turned into a donkey.

I then complained to the donkey about how it wasn't magical anymore. I wet my pillow with tears, night after night, as I mourned my unicorn.

And then one day, I got out of bed, and I gave my donkey a hug. I gave it food, brushed it's coat till it gleamed, and showered it with little kisses. I looked at my donkey, and he wasn't a donkey anymore. I guess he never was. Unicorns are magic, you need to believe to see.

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Love

'When I love someone, I want only good things to happen to him. When I hate someone, I wish bad things on him. And in the recent months, you've been tormenting Bernard and us as well. What does that have to do with love? Nothing.'

Now let us imagine the living room as a stage: to the far right there is a fireplace; opposite, a bookcase on the edge of the stage. In the background, the centre of the stage is taken up by a couch, a coffee table and two armchairs. Paul is standing in the middle of the room, Laura is by the fireplace keeping her eyes fixed upon Agnes, who is standing only a few steps away. Laura's swollen eyes are accusing her sister of cruelty, insensitivity and cold-heartedness. While Agnes is speaking, Laura kept retreating backwards to the middle of the room towards Paul, as if trying to express by this movement, her astonished alarm at her sister's unfair attack.

When she came within a step or two of Paul, she stopped and repeated: 'You don't know what love is about.'

Agnes stepped forwards and took up her sister's former position at the fireplace. She said: 'I understand love perfectly well. In love the most important thing is the other person, the one we love. That's what it's all about, and nothing else. And I ask myself: what does love mean to a person who is capable of seeing nothing but herself. In other words, what does love mean to an absolutely egocentric woman.'

'To ask what love means makes no sense, my dear sister,' said Laura. 'Love is something you've either experienced or you haven't. Love is love, that's all you can say about it. It's a pair of wings beating in my heart and driving me to do things that seem unwise to you. And that's precisely what you've never experienced. You said I was incapable of seeing anybody but myself. But I see you, and I see right through you. When you kept assuring me of your love during these last few weeks, I knew perfectly well that coming out of your mouth that word has no meaning. It was just a trick. An argument to mollify me. To keep me from disturbing your tranquility. I know you, sister, you've been living your whole life on the other side of love.

Immortality by Milan Kundera
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There comes a point in time in every relationship, when the words 'I love you', get stuck in my throat.

I never thought it would happen in this one. I remember telling my sister that with Mike, for the very first time, I know with all certainty that I love someone. Love as a feeling had never felt more concrete. Fast forward 5 weeks, and here I am. Back in the same place of confusion... feeling like a fraud when I say the words 'I love you'.

Love constantly evolves outside all of my expectations and imaginings. I cannot put on my finger on it, and when I cannot, I choke. 

Chasing the Snowman

It's commonly known that when 1000 people listen to a sermon, they hear a 1000 different versions of it.

I think I am starting to realize that love is the same way. Two people can be in a relationship, and have entirely different perceptions of what is going on.

I just want someone that is willing to tell me the truth, and willing to open themselves up to me, the same way I would like to be with them. I don't know if I am chasing the snowman. 

Monday, 28 April 2014

望乡-满文军

夕阳河边走 举目望苍穹
渺渺炊烟飘来的是乡愁
多少回朝夕枕幕思念着你哟...

Sunday, 27 April 2014

轻松

今天,我挺享受生活的。开心,音乐真美好。觉得变成了我满意的人。轻松,有信心。好像明白了一个道理 -如果自己以足够,就不会害怕,不会着急,不会一直需要对群众证明什么。那样就轻松了。

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Learning to love

I have always felt an emptiness within me. I blamed B for not loving me the way I wanted him to. I then blamed J for the same reason. Praying about it to God today, I realise that my desperate need to be loved cannot come from anything of the world. My need for unconditional love can only be met by God, because it was my departure from Him, that put it there.

Today, I tried to break up with J. I have been struggling with our relationship for months. Wondering whether I really loved him, thinking about ending it whenever the going got rough. I never did, until today. Blinded by a whole host of expectations and notions about what "love" should be, I branded our relationship as un-worthy.

Losing J brought up old memories of B, and made me feel that I was unworthy of love. I asked myself what was wrong with me, that both men couldn't sustain their love for me. It was then, when I was on my knees crying out to God, that I realised how my fear of being unworthy of love manifested itself in my relationships - it made the man that I am with feel inadequate, and burdened.

Love is a gift. I have been so selfish in my attempts at love. I demanded to be loved, so that I could feel secure. But I never gave myself to love. Never tried to give my heart as a gift, without expecting anything in return. I saw my love as a transaction, I exchanged it for security. That isn't love. Little wonder I felt like a fraud saying it.

Realising the above, my heart stilled and I realised that I have something good with J. It's not love yet. However this time, instead of asking someone to give me love, I am secure enough to volunteer the potential of it. Thanks for giving me a chance.



Sunday, 23 March 2014

Initiating Change

Initiating Change – Alison’s Work/Study Issue

As someone training to become an HR consultant, I have learnt that before any change can be initiated, it is vital to do a forcefield/stakeholder analysis. Learn who are the stakeholders - who is for, who is against, who has the power, and what is their sphere of influence. 

1) Find Change Agents at every level
2) Communicate objectives and expectations to every party involved
3) Ensure two-way communication so as to Get Feedback and Understand Resistance

Objectives:
1) Continue career development throughout grad school - Gain expertise in conceptual work and consulting work
2) Get paid enough to live and save a little, so as to pay off my tuition loans. 

Situation:
Currently working in the HK APAC office. Going to grad school in NY this September. Arranging for me to transfer to the German office so as to reach my objectives. Germany will allow me to work remotely.

Germany is structured differently from HK. Each team is led by a team leader and is responsible for only one type of product/service. In HK, everyone is a generalist. Therein lies several constraints:
  1. Each team works separately from others
  2. Learning will be limited to the product/service offered
  3. Since teams are limited, work for me will also be limited
  4. I have only 3 months to be physically present in Germany
Other issues – Working Remotely:

  1.  Only development in conceptual work
  2. How to get development in consulting work?
Plan to Meet my Objectives: Work for 2 teams, open doors for consulting opportunities
Monday and Tuesday: Team 1
Wednesday and Thursday: Team 2
Friday: Shadow CEO

Problem:

1) Stakeholder Analysis

Stakeholders: CEO, COO, HR, Team Leaders concerned (B.L Questionnaires, Mig AC, Mik Trainings), people who care about keeping me engaged (G)

Pro:
 Grace, Bastian - Questionnaires
Pro-Neutral: CEO
Neutral: COO, HR, Miguel AC, Mike Trainings

2) Change Agents - How to Influence (Is there a need to do Needs Analysis?)
(Ranked in terms of priority)

CEO: What are his needs? 
  • Talents - committed to vision, loyal, capable - quality and quantity
  • Organizational Fairness - perception
  • He wants GROWTH - how do I give him that?
Influence: 
  1. Talents - me (show via actions - Find out how! Shadowing?)
  2. Protect Org. fairness - get team leader buy in
  3. Growth - San Fran office? Get agreement from Chad
COO: What are his needs?
  • Streamline and tidy up operations 
  • Get a global system going - clean it up
  • Organizational fairness
  • Value for Money
Influence: 
  1. Operations - not sure. Guinea pig for payment with services method?
  2. Protect Org. fairness - get team leader buy in, Show data on cost of living difference in NY VS. Bamberg? (http://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/compare_cities.jsp?country1=United+States&country2=Germany&city1=New+York%2C+NY&city2=Nuremberg)
  3. Value: I do not know how to show this to Dirk

Miguel AC and Mike Trainings: 
  • Need to deliver high quality work on time
  • Favour with CEO?
  • Reliable, capable talent
Influence:
  1. Work and Talent: Send samples of work that I have already done, Commit to doing what it takes - working on weekends if needed, Pull in references from G and T if needed
  2. Favour: Get CEO's backing
HR: Needs this to be as easy and as fuss-free as possible. (overworked)

Influence:
  1. Hammer out all details before approaching HR with comprehensive list
3) Plan
Details:

Bottom up approach:
  • By 4/4: 1) Gain buy-in from Miguel 2) Gain buy-in from Mike 3) Deal with B.L (method stated above - influence TL)
  • By 15/4: Gain buy-in from CEO; communicate objectives and expectations. Get Feedback and Understand Resistance: adjust plan accordingly
  • May: Get Feedback and Understand Resistance: SHOW work capability, build relationships, adjust plan accordingly
  • June: NY plan - influence COO and HR - capitalize on May


Sunday, 4 August 2013

31 July 2013

It is safe to say that I am in a new stage of my life. I am re-thinking the priorities in my life, and learning more about what I can handle.

As with most young adults, I have had a number of turning points in my life. The first time Brandon recognised the potential of my sulky underachieving teenage butt and gave me a leadership position, the time I decided that I had to get a scholarship to go overseas, becoming head girl guide, joining NYAA and subsequently PAYM, meeting Ken and Oliver in Russia - people that became great mentors and motivators in my life, getting the STB scholarship and going to China when I was 18, meeting amazing people like Gerald that helped me realise that I can pave my way in life without leaning on the government, breaking my bond, coming to HK, and now...

31 July 2013

I would like to forever remember this date. I see it as the cumulation of all the turning points of my life. On the 31st of July, I moved out of my college dorm and my cushy scholarship padded life into the real world. 

With all my possessions in HK, I stepped into a dimly lit, green living room. Straight ahead of me, was a cluttered table with two computers on it and two green chairs jostling for space next to it. Deeper into the corridor two wardrobes blocked the entrances of the toilet and kitchen. On my left, a tower of filled plastic boxes, three luggages and wooden planks leaning haphazardly against the wall. On my right, a bunk bed with curtains sticking out, the narrowest passage way and two mismatched wardrobes. Like confetti, the floor was littered with cable ties, plastic wrappers and tools. I look ahead to see my landlord in the midst of all the crap, telling me that the wardrobe has not arrived, and he has not built the bed yet. A sinking feeling started making itself known in the pit of my stomach as I gazed around the cramped living room and realised that where my bunk bed was supposed to be, there was already another against the wall.

“Cody, where is my bed going to be?” “Here, right here!” He motions to the area perpendicular to the other bed. “How is it going to fit? The bed is too long.” “No, no it’s fine, it will fit, don’t worry!”… (I went back that afternoon to see my bed sticking out into the corridor, partially blocking the way to the kitchen and bathroom)

That night during dinner at Ikea with JY and Cindy, still unsure if my bed is even built, we started talking about the honors results released that morning. JY and Cindy were despairing about their honors, and I suddenly had an epiphany. Sure, I got a first class. It was all that I had ever wanted for the past three years; I worked my butt off for it, obsessed over it and thought that it would change my life. There I was, sitting in Ikea with two of my friends who didn’t get first class honors, but had their own rooms to live in. I finally understood what all the big shots meant when they said that university merely gives you a piece of paper. It was quite bittersweet to realise that at the end of the day, all that I valued, did not seem to matter in a world that uses a currency I don't quite have enough of.

To cut an unnecessarily long story short, by the end of the night, I found myself in my new home. Three bunk beds, three wardrobes squeezed in a living room that was HK sized. Whenever I needed to walk anywhere in the house, I had to turn sideways and crabwalk. At least everyone is nice; there is a lot of waiting at junctions for someone to crabwalk out before one crabwalks in. I slept the first night without curtains on my bunk bed and no earplugs.

Okay, I exaggerated when I said that I “slept”. Woke up the next morning, skyped Jason and started crying as I talked. I was overwhelmed, my nerves rubbed raw and generally depressed.

Four nights in, I have pretty much adapted to the place. I set up a system in my bunk bed with areas for hanging my ear plugs and eye mask, electrical cords extend to my bed, a hanging lamp, I’ve got a curtain, and I am even getting used to the swaying motion of my bed as people bump into it on the way in/out of the kitchen/bathroom area. I have even managed to do work in my bed during the last two nights. For now, the new bed is called “THE BAT CAVE”.


I think I will be all right.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

B

I dreamt of B today. I woke up from the dry, shallow inhalations that were my body's attempt to breathe through the weight.

We were laughing helplessly at each other's antics. I was angry, petulant in the beginning. However he lost his balance and was falling over me, and I punched his balls by mistake. It was a riot.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

So blasé about the butt

In Literally by Antonya Nelson 

“Do you know there’s a second part to that expression? The ‘retentive’ part?” his father asked. “It’s amazing how comfortable people are tossing that around—‘anal retentive.’ People are very casual with the psychology. So blasé about the butt.”