I love you!

These days I have an irresistible urge to say "I love you" to quite a number of people.
I wish I could... all the time, incessantly. But people would become desensitized to my "I love yous" and slowly regard them as a greeting or an Alison anomaly.

Therefore, thank you Sam! I get to click on a simple button to tell you "I love you"!!!!! every time I read your blog =D

希望我眨眼，能感动你视线

The figure

The figure danced down the straight expanse of concrete. Her body writhing, twisting and bouncing. Her limbs angular, popping and lashing. The pulsating beat visible in her every movement. Her feet pounded against the ground, her hair swirled and flew. She looked odd, freakish yet her oblivion so entrancing. What tune played in her head, what beat controlled her body?

Tabs and the splitting of them

On a note about boy girl issues, I've been with men that split with the tab with me, I've met men that always insisted on paying, men that had ninja paying skills, men that made me pay. I know if we look at it superficially, social construct demands we appreciate the men that do pay for us.

However when we factor in age and current status, a lot of men that do pay, pay with money given to them by their parents. How about someone that goes dutch with you simply because they cannot afford it. Someone whose money comes from their own pocket and not their parent's?

Which one should we appreciate better? The one that expresses generosity, enabled by external sources of income? Or the one that does what he can, given his own limited resources?

I would not be short sighted. I better appreciate a guy that earns his own keep at an early age than a guy dependent on his parents.

P.S. This discussion is about character not material substance.

Strangers

I looked around me and I realized that I was surrounded by strangers. People that I barely know, people that I cannot depend on. Its a strange feeling being around strangers all the time. Its like a slow displacement... a gradual fading away. I feel like I have exchanged my roots for something that is starting to seem unworthy. I always thought I was made for greater things, made to see the world. What is the reality of being out in the world? Uncertainty, doubt, strangers, foreign landscapes. How long can I live like this? Can I bear to look yet another stranger in the eye?

Today, awakened abruptly by my body my mind was seized painfully by nostalgia and the reality of time.

I miss the dreams I was inspired to have. I miss my nationalism, my youth, my idealism. I miss my pure spirituality, my poetic nature, the inspiration to my photographs. I miss being able to marvel at the most random things. I miss my love for the world.

For the strangest of reasons, I traded those in for me. I traded them in for dreams of an entirely different nature. Now money, ambition, god and success drive my world. Those are hard things to have drive your world. Too hard.

Issues

I have issues with
-gender
-family
-religion
-pride
-confrontation
-seeing that I'm in the wrong...

It must be hard being in a relationship with me.

Shanghai

Whenever I start every semester in Fudan, a cloak of numbness settles over me. Tight, almost suffocating. I cease the ability to feel for anything that lies outside my closed shanghai world.

Friendships, love, kinship. I stop caring, I stop talking. In their place a thin base of anxiety, desperation and self pity sets in. Here, I'm constantly trying to keep up, to keep everything at bay.

People ask if I like Shanghai. What am I supposed to say? Its my everything when I'm here. I cannot but love it yet for all that it is, I loathe it.

I start school today. This semester seems to be preceded by several deeply saddening occurrences. I will pray for peace to enter hearts and love to do its miracles.

Sin

The word “sin” as in “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” is a translation of a Hebrew word, het, that means “to miss the mark.”

EMERY!

My favourite picture of Gerald and I

In transit

I can't believe I'm saying this but I am heartily and truly sick of traveling. When the corridors of more than one transit stop become all too familiar, you start to realise a few things.

1) You are a cheapskate and only take flights that have at least 2 lay-overs.

2) You are traveling too much for a 19 year old.

I must confess. Every time I look at those glowing electronic boards that show the boarding gate of your connecting flight, my heart thuds painfully upon setting sight of the word Singapore. Singapore, I belong to it yet it never seems to be the destination I am searching for. With every month spent away from it, the reality of me being able to live elsewhere grows stronger.

I always thought that I would spend my adulthood in Singapore. Always thought that I would eventually marry someone from Singapore, raise my kids and well... grow old. I guess life doesn't always work the way we planned it to. Mostly because we lack knowledge during the planning stages. A character from a movie I watched recently once said " Young people never know how young they really are" That I must grudgingly admit is one of the truest things I have ever heard.

I still remember standing at the viewing platform at Changi Airport's terminal 2 longing to be on a plane. That longing later transformed into the fierce determination hardened within my heart as I stood watching the planes at Terminal 3, determined to talk, study and impress my way onto them. I wanted to see the world, to prove that I was different, to experience all that was new. I miss her, that fired up girl. I ate a fortune cookie recently and out spewed a piece of paper that said "you bring enthusiasm to those around you" Gerald who was standing by my side immediately declared it a lie. That is once again unfortunately completely true. I have lost my spark. I no longer believe that I can change the world, I no longer believe that my meagre actions can satisfy anyone... even myself. In my frenetic search for new experiences, I forgot to ground myself and as a result got lost in the vastness of what I found.

I need to find my bearings again. If I were to depend on others to be my roots, forever I will be like a tremulous autumn leaf, completely dependent on the branches for support, at mercy to the gusting winds.

The ride

Endless stagnant rows of crops, she stared unseeing through the brown tinted windows of the train. Her companion sits facing the lit up face of his computer screen, steadily chewing on a small piece of graying gum. Another train ride, more foreign lands. Dull thin droplets rolled down her cheeks, vacant and passionless.

She started off searching for adventure, success and the promise of love. She found all but lacked the ability to attain it. Weakling, the word thuds dully in her head. She is tired, she wants to rest but she does not know where. Having abandoned everything and found nothing she has nowhere to go. The train ride will end and a plane will take her to interim. A dull blue car, battered sits by the side of the tracks.

She gets up and makes her way to the toilet. Looking at the ground she avoids the lazy gazes alighting upon her. The sound of her urine hitting the metallic seat startles her. She stands up and feels a warm droplet trickle into her jeans. Sitting back in her seat she stares at the darker blue spot by the seam. Her companion lifts up his hand to scratch his head.

After a long slowly drawn circle, she is going back to China. She dimly remembers the stories her Grandmother told of the horrific place she escaped from. She cannot remember the exact details. Silent images of dull red people with open mouths and raised fists flashed in her head. She didn’t fit in where her grandmother escaped. She went back to find what she assumed she had lost, only to realize that she did not understand what was lost. Her companion came along and offered an escape. A bus, train and plane ride took her further and further away. Love became a diversion; it confounded her, she forgot what she left and what she came for.

The sun rises in the East her grandmother told her. Her teachers at school reminded her that the sun sets in the west. She thought that was where her journey would end. But she is 19 her life stretches ahead. She can’t stay in the west anymore the train takes her back, back to the home that exists no longer.

These are slightly troubling times.

My California trip so far...

My California trip so far has been composed of...

long drives, cowboys, German baptists, horses and farms.

Burgers, choc mint ice cream, huge cushy chairs, Victoria's secret, tight tank tops layered over each other, brunettes and blondes with loads of mascara and curls.

A fair, scary rides, meth consuming toothless people, corn dogs and corn on the cob.

Backyard pools, bathing suits, browned stomachs, gold streaks in brown hair.

Dogs, Papa John, Papa Harry and Nana.

Rice a roni, mac and cheese, chicken noodle soup, gigantic pantries, and cable tv.

KELLEN!

My Summer Vacation so far

Two Angels!

Camping!

A funny man!

To leave or be left behind

Today I write this, resigned yet hopeful.

I have been away for two semesters. The first resulted in the end of my first relationship, the second caused my next to bloom. Yet result or cause, the ending of each semester left my left hand swinging empty.

However I have through the passing of my first year learnt the difference between leaving and being left behind. When I left the first time, I thought I was the one who suffered. I thought I had to endure the pain of leaving at least 10 dearest behind while they had only one to lose. Now I know better, the excitement of a new place the seeking of a life where none of those left behind has left a mark on, the meeting of new people adds immense padding to the fall.

Those left behind however have to endure the exact same life only with a "you-shaped" hole punched into it. They have to walk down those very streets you once walked with them. They have to frequent the same stalls, pass by the house that you once filled. They have to live wondering if the excitement of your new world has replaced the place you had in their hearts. After all all 10 of them left behind miss you with all their hearts and you? You have to divide your affection by 10, your longing, your time...

Indeed it is much easier to leave than to be left behind. If I could choose, I would leave. Over and Over again.

Semester to Semester

I've been saying this alot lately.

People don't tell you the worst fact about life as an overseas student. They tell you about how there may be cultural differences, how you might miss home, how lost you might feel. Never do they mention the truckloads of people that start coming and going in your life. They don't talk about how the dorm hallways start to empty, how that knock on your door no longer sounds, how these people that have been an integral part of your life for the past 5 months suddenly disappear, never to be seen again. Most of the truckload you meet, learn from then wave goodbye to with nothing more than a bittersweet melancholy. However there are some whose departure you dread, those that make you think... "What will life here be without them?", people of whom sight of their luggage sends a jolt of dread straight down your spine.

Because the truth is you start off the semester slightly empty, lost without their presence. However, give it 3 weeks and it'll be like they were never in your life. Their apartment that you cycled to through winter to summer a distant dream, the imprints of the hands you held faded and lost. Perhaps it is that that we fear as we wave our dear friends away. The knowledge that soon they will cease to be as dear to us as we would like them to be, the fear that we too will soon be replaced by others in their hearts.

Every semester is like a separate world. Perhaps it is this transience that builds intense relationships between people.

YY! Beginning of Semester

Great pic size yeah? Just have to do minor adjustments to the Html :) totally awesome

Semester 2

Back on Blogger. This time with an awesome proxy suggested by Sam. Thank you!
So Grace is gone, summer stretches ahead shimmering with never ending heat waves.

I guess its time for a semester wrap up.
This semester was about people, confusion, grades. Three words to perfectly sum up the whole of my second semester in a communist country hahahaha!

Alright. I clubbed alot ... Then got sick of it.

I met alot of people, and then got sick of the bad ones. I met more people, and liked the good ones.

I worried about my future and my grades. I worried about the cons of living here. I got tired. I got sick of worrying.

I floated around and learnt much in the process. Then I got sick of it too.

After all the things I got sick of... I realized that I probably have a very short attention span or a very short irritation fuse. =)

I make good friends with Shandong people.

I need to work harder next semester.

I can live without Singapore... but that sentiment excludes its food.

I like grapefruit juice and tea eggs.

I now have 3 water dispensers in my room. Only one works. I have a fridge given by shuzhen (my old one died) I realised that my iron can be plugged in... I was always just too stupid to change the angle. I have 2 pots (donated too). A new shoe rack. We now have 3 shoeracks in the room...

Every semester is like a different life.

I can scold decently in chinese now.

Updates and Babble

A post at last!

Blogger is still blocked of course... But I am willing to have someone hack into my blog via an unsafe proxy.
Why not? It'll provide whoever is still reading this interesting entertainment.

Once again I am deep into what I like to call (EXAMINATION HELL)
Some updates then...

1)I'm going to barely pass my exams due to a painful bout of existential angst and some issues with regards to studying here. =/ Not good. For a strange reason the international student crisis didn't hit me till this semester.

2)Grace is coming over for 2 weeks 29/6-14/7!!! This means that everyone I love (with the exception of MELVIN :( will be here!) Life will prove to be awesome beyond belief.
P.S. Mei Cen will be here from the 3/7-10/7!!!! AMAZING!

3)I'm going somewhere fun during the summer! -Destination SECRET!

4)What else... hmmm. Oh. Cell group peeps are all leaving :( I guess we'll have a new one again next semester...

-----------------------------------

Random thought with regards to pre-marital sex (for Christians... everyone else might be annoyed)

Sex before marriage is now a problem because at the age of 16, most people are biologically wired to "mate". However due to advances in medical technology causing extended life spans of the people, there is now a problem wherein people marry later. say 27-30. Earliest... 20, 23 maybe. Therefore, the extended suppression of our biological workings is insufferable and unnatural for most. Causing the above phenomenon (Pre-Marital sex) to happen.

Christian part:

Our biology is god's creation. So is marriage... Why then would he create something that is not in sync? Given the bible's historical context, most people then married way earlier than we do now. Our later marriages are caused by us having different priorities, distractions such as putting career, vanity, pride and social norms above family. Where does the distraction come from? - The other side is infinitely more cunning and clever than us.

Elaine

My favourite photo of Elaine for today... or rather yesterday.
P.S. The theme was street style (If it seemed uncharacteristic of my photography)

Expect Good

People always talk of how they have many facets to their personality. Each different, catered to specific persons.

Now, I suddenly see the power these people possess. If we choose to see good and expect good in others, will it cause them to respond by showing us their good sides? Giving us what we expect and want? Perhaps thats a way to create more good in this world. The power isn't in the shape shifting, it lies in the catalyst to the shape shifting. It lies in us and what we expect of this world and other people.

So, perhaps its time to subtly add positives to our expectations of people. When they give us what we expect, a little bit more good would have materialized in them. Hopefully anyway...

To remember what Wabbit taught me

Wabbit passed away after 6 days of living under our roof. I like to think that it would have died anyway, and that we gave it a good few days before he had to leave.

6 Days may seem short, but he taught me so much. Even now, the space below our TV on my right feels empty and quiet.
In his memory, I must and will remember what he so graciously imparted.

1) The pain a parent feels when her child rejects her/him.

When Wabbit first came, he was extremely afraid of us. The slightest hand movement in his direction would accelerate his heart rate and cause him to tremble. The ache in my heart must have been similar to that of my mother's as I time and again pushed her away. Her's would 0f course be magnified greatly... or one would hope.

2) Responsibility

Wabbit was my first pet. To have to take care of another living thing is such a responsibility. To feed it, change its water, to entertain it, to care for its complex physiological, psychological needs. It nearly drove me mad as I strove to read its mind. Wabbit was immensely clever. It normally took him a day to escape his new enclosure... At night, I would lie in bed awake with the fear that he would escape and hurt itself. I remember sitting by his enclosure and just wondering about he was thinking. Perhaps he was trying to read my mind too.

3) The struggle in a parent's heart with regards to letting the child run free or keeping the child safe.

I knew that Wabbit wanted to leave the enclosure, he wanted to explore on his padded paws, most of all he wanted to be free. I so desperately wanted him to be happy, yet I wanted more for him to be safe. So I started forming ideas to bribe him... Perhaps I'll buy him something to play with, I'll let him run about but only under my supervision. (Never got to put them into action...) Our parents must have felt the same turmoil. The struggle to do what is right, the struggle to let go, exactly like Siddhartha and his son.

4) How to watch someone die.

Wabbit was very sick. He had seizure after seizure, he struggled to breathe, his heart stopped and restarted. Sometimes his seizures were so strong they contorted his tiny body twisting it with pain. Once he even screamed. Wabbit taught me how to watch someone die.

5) What death means.

Death creates a void. A void that will never be filled because nothing would ever fit exactly in that very unique space created for its existence.

Wabbit may have died, but I shall leave my favorite passage here for him... A passage most of you might have read before on this blog. Wabbit may be gone, but he exists as him in us, his soul remains in those who remember and were affected by him. That will be Wabbit-the Wabbit that enters the future and becomes part of it.

Boris Pasternak's-Dr Zhivago

-Well, what are you?...What is it about you you've always known about yourself? Your kidneys? Your liver? Your blood vessels? No. However far back you go in your memory, it is always in some external, active manifestation of yourself that you come across your identity-in the work of your hands, in your family, in other people. And now listen carefully. You in others-this is your soul. This is what you are. This is what our consciousness has breathed and lived on and enjoyed throughout your life-your soul, your immortality, your life in others. And what now? You have always been in others and you will remain in others. And what does it matter to you if later on that is called your memory? This will be you-the you that enters the future and becomes part of it.

Happy Birthday!

Two to three years ago I met this very interesting fella. He then proceeded to become an awesome friend of mine. Yeah sure we had some complications on our way to the solid friendship that I hope will never end. We have both changed, left the place where we met and... grew up a bit I hope. I think he grew skinnier :) Haha! But one thing has remained the same. Two years ago for his birthday I did the corniest thing. I'm not going into the gory details but... I think you remember. (I would send some over... but they might grow mold)

The message is the same.

"Happy Birthday Jit Yew. Thank you for being my boulder."

HAHAHAHA! Terrible photo I know =D
P.S. I wrote it... and forgot to post it :(

Wabit- 小甜甜

I have a rabbit. Its giving me insomnia.
Its too smart for its own good.
It likes cardboard.

Missing Leon

If I don't see Leon during the week, there is always this picture! =D Elaine! This is for you too!

Cowardice

I'm kind of cowardly...

I'm scared of myself, of things and most of all, of people.
At the moment, I'm terrified of complication. I saw it in the face and promptly did a 180! It was so fast I didn't even catch myself doing it.

Chicken, is that what you are calling me?!
Well... hahahaha! yep! Chicken here!

P.S. I TOOK THAT PHOTO! (Not one of my best... but it gets the message across)

I do not like being attacked. Be it by someone everyone thinks is nonsensical or someone that everyone is wary of. It all boils down to the fact that the person is attacking me.

I wonder if you can fly kites in the rain.

lines

I wonder where to draw the line...

I wonder where the lines are...

I wonder what are the consequences of crossing those lines...

I wonder what would people think when one crosses them...

I wonder what should I do when others cross them...

I wonder what is the right thing to do...

GRACE!

I think I've been very disagreeable lately. Apologies.

Anyway, to satisfy curiosity about my sister... flesh and blood connection (Can't tell from the way we look... But, there are similarities!) here are some photos of her! Needless to say, I didn't necessarily choose the most flattering ones. Envy, sibling rivalry... Forgive me. but these are quite okay! :)

Grace, a couple of years back. Then, this was my favourite picture of her. JH took it, not me.

My mother and her. Birthday celebration... reinforces idea that I was picked up from the garbage disposal. (In my defense, I look like my aunty when she was younger! So... I'm legitimate)

Thats her now!

Yep! She's the sweet and nice one in the family.

A whole blog post of pictures on my sister! Grace, you can't kill me. I'm in Shanghai! :)

Breaking My Heart Again

Sometimes we come across songs of our youth, these songs trigger memories and emotions previously forgotten. I had a memory of my maid/nanny/mother Wilma listening to this song. Boy, she loved "Michael Learns to Rock"... inadvertently, I love it too.

I miss her, but it was right that she left. She wasn't good for me anymore... People are like that, they bring you gladness and security for awhile. But sometimes, they choose to abuse your reliance and then the relationship turns bitter. Perhaps we should all have the strength written about in this song. The strength to walk away, the strength to end all unhealthy alliances. Lets leave the memories beautiful.

Michael Learns To Rock- Breaking My Heart Again

I'm on the floor
Counting one minute more
No one to break the silence
Staring into the night
All alone but that's alright
It's the feeling deep inside I don't like

Chorus:
There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart
Breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You breaking my heart again

Here in my bed
Counting the words you've said
They linger in the shadows
Coming home late at night
Drunk again but that's alright
It's the look in your eyes I don't like

Chorus:
There is no excuse my friend
For breaking my heart
Breaking my heart again
This is where our journey ends
You breaking my heart again

"What do you want from me?"

I want to go up to every single person in my life and ask the all important question...

"What do you want from me?"

It'll make life so simple. Provided they are honest of course.
Mistrust is so damaging to one's psyche... If I knew exactly what people wanted from me, I'll never have to mistrust anyone! Think, a life without suspicion.

Wonderful idea... It'll be rather socially unacceptable though. Big problem would be that most people don't really know. If they don't know what they themselves want, it would be hilarious to presume that they know what they want from others.

Random comment, but I really appreciate the DUDE's efforts with regards to the timing of nature. Flowers before leaves... Marvelous arrangement. Too much beauty would cancel each other out. There really is something about the velvet of the petals against the stark gnarled branches, unhindered by the gloss of leaves. SPRING!

Aren't they beautiful?
People are such odd things... we all possess such ability to shine.
Yet, time and time again all I see is the inherent darkness looming within.

I love you

I think whoever invented the idea of love just wanted to shut half the world up. Think about it.

These sets of people were having a conversation...

Christian to Person in need: God loves you. -------silence.

Girl to Boy (noncommittal): I love you. ---------silence

Boy to Girl (noncommittal): I love you. ---------silence

Parents to Teenager: I love you ----- silence

Person to Person: Good night! Bye! love! ----- silence

Humans to Pets: I love you.--------- silence

Thing is... We give too much priority and reverence to such an immeasurable thing like love. It has so much power and right that when once uttered, the other party can say nothing against it. What can you say against god's love or anyone else's love for that matter? You can't say NO! you don't love me! God doesn't love me... Because how can you know for sure? Asking why is just rude.
Its a conversation stopper because after being shoved these words, one isn't really inclined to continue the same conversation anymore... for what is left to be said? Perhaps full-stops should be in the shape of valentine hearts. How apt....

Parents

People like to blame their parents for the negative in who they were, who they have become and who they will grow up to be.

Its strange cause it seems as if our parents are the ones we find hardest to forgive. Their deceit, their mistakes, their flaws... For someone like me that never stops thinking, all that my parents did has been replayed thousands upon thousands of times in my mind, the reasons explored from an infinite amount of angles, the emotional pain of every lash experienced thousandfold. Perhaps its true. We do put the highest expectations upon those we love. I can't begin to explain the depth of feeling between my parents and I. The depth of misunderstanding, hatred, hidden grievances, simmering anger, disdain, grudges... the sorrow, the emptiness, the longing. For all that, there must be something... love may be the wrong word. But words like need and bond will be rightly used.

We really are tied to them by an inextricable bond. Not to say that it is good or bad, but it exists. So I guess it makes sense when everyone relates stuff back to their parents... But, I just feel the need to caution about it. Using our parents as an explanation for how messed up we are gives us a very convenient excuse to ignore the part we played, furthermore it removes the incentive for us to become better. Worse still, it sticks us in a trap which we can't get out of, one which our children will not be able to avoid as well.

random photo:

Bren looking very pretty at Ikea :)

Dilemma. I am really sick. I can't keep lying on my bed cause I've been sleeping for most of yesterday. Sleeping more just makes me feel more sick. The alternative is my hard wooden chair... which is making me hurt. God, I want a sofa.

Cardinal Cesare Baronius－ “The Bible tells us how to go to heaven, not how the heavens go."

That really makes sense. I have to stop confusing the word and science. Never knew what to believe. So, the earth is not thousands of years old.

This is a very random thought... But I always love the 3rd party in television shows.
I like rooting for the fella. Its a strange doomed hope that lasts all the way till the series ends, even then I still don't quite believe the ending. Why don't they win?

Love the rendition of "While my guitar gently weeps" by Martin Luther "M.L." McCoy. The soul he adds to it whoops the Beatles version on their nether regions.

Great song, Great lyrics.

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
I look at the floor and I see it need sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps

I don't know why nobody told you
how to unfold you love
I don't know how someone controlled you
they bought and sold you

I look at the world and I notice it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps

I don't know how you were diverted
you were perverted too
I don't know how you were inverted
no one alerted you

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
I look at you all
Still my guitar gently weeps

Oh, oh, oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah

－怕人询问，咽泪装欢 瞒！ 瞒！ 瞒！

当思喜在沉思凄美女人的命运和美德时，他脸上会出现这副表情。

我好希望有自己的世界。
奇怪
快乐
只有这两个性质就好了，其它我都不要。

The Killers have this awesome song -Human.
I guess all of us have heard it before... Still, songs have this miraculous ability to spark vividly when we are in the right state of mind for them.

One stanza goes as follows...

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
send my condolences to good
give my regards to soul and romance
they always did the best they could
and so long to devotion,
you taught me everything I know
wave good bye, wish me well

I can't explain the intoxicating lure of such words. Perhaps they were not meant to be read the way I interpreted them. Nevertheless, the image of saying a gracious goodbye to all things that keep us rooted and human holds such summon, such entreaty that I feel like violently flinging the shreds of my conscience up and away. Casting aside that bag of bricks to walk light, glistening and freely towards a new existence.

Being good and staying by him is so tiring because its impossible to be all that he wants us to be. How can we constantly strive for what is unattainable? Don't give me the "F" word because if I had it, I would not have uttered the previous statement. If most of what we rely on and insist upon is based on the "F" word, who are we then to doubt and judge people of other religions. They believe because of the very word that we throw around like rice at American weddings. When did it become okay to insist that everyone else is damned when what damns them is the same thing that we think saves us.

But, I've realized recently that some people just want to be left alone. It does not matter if there are holes in their belief, it does not matter if they don't understand. Perhaps these are the safest people. Comfort, contentment, different priorities. I'm starting to accept if not understand.

China is uninspiring. Shanghai more so. So much of a city, nothing is left but the dull glow of the light polluted sky, the ceaseless sound of construction works, the nomadic grey dust. Faces come and go, each one blending into the next. Hurray for my next 3 1/2 years. Even my pictures have become more dull...

My favourite picture of YY and Leon

Its the symmetry and well... the grace of it.

Trouble trouble. I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble.
I'm in trouble.
5 months is a long time.
Everywhere I go.
Everywhere I turn.
At fucking 2.30am at wanda at MACS! The devil is after me.
I swear. Its either in me. Or it wants to get me.
Torture torture. Torture. Torture. Torture,
This must be a test.
A torture test.
Torture.
Curse. Curse. Curse. Curse. Curse.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
More, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

My unfortunate taste in the "darker" sex

For the umpteenth time, this phrase has been uttered to me... "I don't get it! Why him? Whats so good about him! He is ____, ____, ____!" Fill in the blanks. Perhaps it is true. I do have bad taste in men. Well, not necessarily bad taste... But not common. I don't go for the conventionally hot ones, the nice ones, the sweet ones. Instead, I'm always drawn to the ones who are significantly "Off" Haha! Sorry if any one of you erm... still read this blog hahaha! But still, they always need to have something wrong about them. Something socially unacceptable, something visibly hurt or disturbed...an awkwardness perhaps, complexity always.

The new guy has unfortunately broken all previous records. This one's arrogance is hated by my roomie and has chalked up the all time high score of being called detestable by my senior - In his face. It must be something to inspire UGH! sounds everytime your name is mentioned :) How fun!

Ahhh... But ignore all that, this post is for me to search within for a deeper underlying meaning. WHY? Why all these people that are so caught up in their own deformities, they will never truly notice me? Am I a hidden masochist? HAHA! well well well...

Thats's my expression now hehehe!

WOOHOO!

The unbearable lightness of being!

Sigh, When flights of joy have to be accompanied with depraved consequences...

I don't care! HAHAHAHA!

New Obsessions

Its a slippery slope to hell.

You begin by meeting someone that would lead you down it.

Worse still, you want to hold on and not let go.

Foolish Foolish Foolish.

I had a dream last night.
rain.
the crunch of gravel.
a familiar face.
an unfamiliar me.

Tights!

Random Thought...
I Love tights/stockings, don't know what the cool polished french women have against them.

Who on earth invented long john bottoms? Thermal underwear! Totally irrelevant! Just wear a pair of tights! They are warmer and sexier.

A pair of tights, wear a long t-shirt over them. Pull on a snugly sweatshirt, with tights... who needs shorts! They can be worn at home, out, everywhere! A pair of tights can take you through the entire day!

Ahhhh... the best thing about them? That amazing mmmm feeling you get when one leg rubs against another. mmmm mmmm mmmm

后青春期的诗

五月天's new album 后青春期的诗, I cannot gush more over it...
Listen to the songs, read the lyrics. Feel the truth stab you repeatedly in the heart.
后青春期的诗- We are at the perfect time and age. We are this album's target audience... It resounds so brilliantly for a reason.

Check out this song.
五月天-如烟

我坐在床前
望着窗外回忆满天
生命是华丽错觉
时间是贼偷走一切

七岁的那一年
抓住那只蝉
以为能抓住夏天
十七岁的那年
吻过他的脸
就以为和他能永远

有没有那麽一种永远
永远不改变
拥抱过的美丽
都再也不破碎
让险峻岁月不能

在脸上撒野
让生离和死别都遥远
有谁能听见

我坐在床前
转过头看谁在沉睡
那一张苍老的脸
好像是我紧闭双眼
曾经是爱我的
和我深爱的
都围绕在我身边
带不走的那些
遗憾和眷恋
就化成最后一滴眼泪

有没有那麽一滴眼泪
能洗掉后悔
化成大雨降落在
回不去的街
再给我一次机会
将故事改写
还欠了他一生的
一句抱歉

有没有那麽一个世界
永远不天黑
星星太阳万物都
听我的指挥
月亮不忙着圆缺
春天不走远
树梢紧紧拥抱着树叶
有谁能听见

耳际眼前此生重演
是我来自漆黑
而又回归漆黑
人间瞬间天地之间
下次我又是谁

有没有那麽一朵玫瑰
永远不凋谢
永远骄傲和完美
永远不妥协
为何人生最后会像
一张纸屑
还不如一片花瓣
曾经鲜艳

有没有那麽一张书签
停止那一天
最单纯的笑脸和
最美那一年
书包里面装满了
蛋糕和汽水
双眼只有无猜和无邪
让我们无法无天

有没有那麽一首诗篇
找不到句点
青春永远定居在
我们的岁月
男孩和女孩都有
吉他和舞鞋
笑忘人间的苦痛
只有甜美

有没有那麽一个明天
重头活一遍
让我再次感受
曾挥霍的昨天
无论生存或生活
我都不浪费
不让故事这麽的后悔
有谁能听见
我不要告别

我坐在床前
看着指尖已经如烟

不得不爱

Break, Break, Break- Tennyson
(excerpt)

Break, break, break,
On thy cold gray stones, O Sea!
And I would that my tongue could utter
The thoughts that arise in me.

Sometimes I wonder about our generation, my generation. Yesterday, I had Wei Biao crazily ranting that in life everything but love was intangible and ephemeral. Quickly, my tongue expressed the sentiment-"how base!" I know I know... attack me about my horrid cynicism. =/ But its not only me. I'm just one of the few that articulate what others do in actions. Take the long distance relationship issue. How many times have you nodded in approval when someone takes the so called "higher" path and chooses exposure, career, or even better...a higher calling? It doesn't matter if they leave the ones they love romantically behind. For somehow romantic love has taken the lowest tier, falling far behind intellectual fullfillment, the pursual of dreams, the climbing of the career ladder, family love, godly love, friendship... You name it, and people would probably place romantic love behind all of these supposedly more noble pursuits.

Yet, without it so many of them are unsatisfied. Sure you have the people who insist that they don't need it currently. But, we all know that that feeling comes in waves. A tertiary education overseas can range between anything from 3-13 years. What makes us so confident that we can exist on our "higher" more "noble" diets? When we cannot, don't we just go round searching for that base love where we are? After leaving behind all that we could have had in pursit of that which is supposedly transient, didn't we just come a full circle? Not to mention the valuable time we wasted and the hearts we left disturbed.

Perhaps it is true. Love is base. Its low in position. So low that its the support all other higher intangibles rest on. 不得不爱 :) So, what on earth are all of us doing?! My respect goes out to all who were willing to acknowledge this fact and better still, take a risk in its favour.

Trees in a topsy turvey world

It rained and rained today.
So hard, the trees saw their reflections.

Strange how easily my bike went over them.

我要去台湾！

HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN

The Beatles- Happiness is a Warm Gun

She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do- oh yeah
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane

The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix cause I'm going down
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun

Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
When I hold you in my arms
(Ooooooooohhh, oh yeah!)
And when I feel my finger on your trigger
I know nobody can do me no harm
Because happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
-Yes it is, it's a warm gun!
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm, yes it is...
GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Well don't ya know that happiness is a warm gun, momma?
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Yeeeaahhh!

Happiness is a warm gun. Here is a toast to all morbid songs that so aptly reveal the darker recesses of the human consciousness.

Here is another toast to a song that supports my "Happiness does not exist" theory. Uh huh... It exists only in the state after the trigger is pulled.

I want to shoot with such intensity and fervency as Juliette Binoche in "The Unbearable Lightness of Being".

To those who don't treat photography as art, just look at her.


Throw me a rope－KT Tunstall （good song, calm)

I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you
But everything here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below,
That I'm missing you every time

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colours and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely
Hearing the best that I've heard

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally
Unafraid of my days without you

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Whenever I'm falling you're always behind me
Come back and find me
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

Strength

Strength. What does it mean to have it? What connotes it?
Recently, I had the dubious pleasure of undergoing a mildly trying experience. We can loosely term it the "Ribbon Cutting of Commitment". Its probably something that most people go through in the process of growing up. However, I must say that it was the various reactions coming from the people around that deeply confused me.

The theme of the experience must be strength. My best friend told me that it was okay not to be okay, and that it takes a truly strong and courageous person to face up to what one feels. He told me that it takes true strength to show, to acknowledge and admit. On the other hand, I had people judging me for being unable to keep it all in. These people profess that true strength is the ability to remain unmoved, to react with no reaction. Tears, an unhappy face, anger have all strangely become taboos. I used to be a huge perpetrator of the latter actually. Tears I consider weak, a broken heart stupid. It's only after this experience that I came to the realisation that emotional blocking can hurt. Sure, one doesn't feel anything, but it selfishly hurts everyone else who cares enough. Worse still, it is the easier option.

Blocking is more comfortable and respectable with regards to society. The former would actually inconvenience the people around you who don't care, but have to witness it. Sadly for me, happily for everyone around me, I chose the latter, a day late.

I know what blocking can do. I know that there are people who hurt because I refuse to hurt. But I don't have the courage or the strength to face up to it alone. Worse still, I have contorted my thoughts to so severe an extent that I don't even know what they used to be.

And we run around telling everyone the worst scenarios, the darkest imaginings, the most loathsome of all possibilities.

In the vain hope that someone would disagree, that someone would deny that which we cannot deny ourselves.

To love or to be loved

No matter how much we like to deny it, we really are creatures made by our parents. The way we think, the way we look, even the way we hold a pair of chopsticks have their imprints stamped all over.

Daddy has always taught me that to be loved by someone is way more comfortable and important than to love someone. In fact, he even repeatedly told me over the years to find someone that loves me more than I love him. This random bit of parental wisdom has strangely influenced my entire view towards love, relationships and lalala. Needless to say, because of that I grew up a rather frigid and cold child, unable and afraid to give before I receive. Thank god I had a mediating big sisterly influence in my life who tried to impress upon my little mind that sometimes I have to give first, sometimes I just have to love first. But Grace's advice never guaranteed love back whereas Daddy's advice promised that I will always be loved when I love.

Recently during a conversation with someone, I had to face up to this strange unexamined portion of myself. When I was younger, it was so easy to idealistically tell Daddy that I want to love him just as much as he loves me. Now, I know why people are constantly trying to strike a balance- Cause there is no such thing. One party always loves the other more, and that is the party that suffers. Thats how songs like the one below pierce hearts.

How many times have I heard or even uttered the statements- Why doesn't she/he call? Why doesn't she/he want to meet me more often? Why doesn't she/he care? Hot cold Hot cold Honestly because of my Daddy's drilling, the answer in my heart to that will always be she/he doesn't love/like you you enough. Sure, she/he likes you she/he may even love you! But not enough. Am I right? When someone doesn't call or express affection, does it mean that she/he doesn't love him/her enough? But how much is enough? And if there is an enough, what separates it from too much? Its a cruel statement and also a hopeless one. When confronted with that fact, one cannot do anything. Its too extreme to leave and too sad to put up with it. One way out is as she says- "Every time he hurts me, I love him a little less. If I'm lucky, I'll stop loving him by the time he delivers the final blow." But that is too sad as well.

Such a ramble with no conclusion. Daddy will have something to say about this as well. He always says that a discussion with no conclusion or solution is but a waste of time, saliva and money. AH! there is no end to this. Have fun with the song lyrics!

下雨天了怎么办
我好想你
不敢打给你
我找不到原因
为什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景
做你的代替
陪我听雨滴

期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞
一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨怎样的夜 (What kind of rain What kind of night)
怎样的我能让你更想念 (What must I be to make you miss me more)
雨要多大天要多黑 (How harsh the rain How dark the night)
才能够有你的体贴 (Must be for me to have your care)
-loosely translated. But It'll suffice.

whoopsie daisy-awesome phrase... WHHHOOOPsie daisy

Just a few random pictures...

The shoe rack in our room made with YY's parcel from home! :)

Cell CNY movie celebration
Half a lifetime of good ole friendship :)

CNY's worst days are over. YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. Distance is good. Distance is good. I take back everything I said.
Distance is comfortable, aloof and just soooo easy.

Circle drawing

To all the people in my life (Or at least those who read this blog...(I guess you can pass the message)):

There is so much I want to articulate. However, I don't have the freedom to do it here anymore. Its strange. The more you love someone, the more you keep from them. We have all sorts of reasons. We want to protect them, we hate making them feel bad etc. Boundaries, Double yellow lines, Opaque masks. I'm so tired of them. I'm so tired of treading gently around all the lines we draw up for ourselves and other people. Remember the game we played when we were younger? How not to step on cracks? It was fun back then for we knew that if we really did step on the cracks, nothing would happen. Now in the land of bigger feet, bigger ambitions and bigger boundaries stepping on the "cracks" has become a taboo. Everyone goes on and on about their personal space, their freedom, their priorities. The circle around everyone gets bigger and bigger, the space in between all of them just gets smaller and smaller. Sometimes it feels as if our own egos, our various needs, our fear of getting hurt just keeps expanding and expanding finally eliminating all chance of others getting close. The amazing disguises we give this circle drawing! They can come in the form of respecting other people's private space and therefore expecting them to respect yours, the respectful distance we keep from each other in the presence of other people for it is the civilized thing to do, we use religion, politics, society and even the idea of sex to drive wedge after wedge into the ever shrinking door for others to enter. I'm probably the most guilty offender. Just hear my theories about relationships, rooming with others, religion and of course my favourite- Personal Space. I am an absolute advocate of -Distance. Don't ask questions, Don't call people, Don't talk about how you feel. I love to keep the "Distance" by filling it with endless empty chatter, ridiculous cynicisms and of course my favourite technique... Talking about all the other people in my life (In heightened detail) so I don't have to talk about myself.

WELL. I'M SICK OF IT! While I type this post, I stand on the outside peering in. I love the Alison that is cool, distant and advocates- Personal Space. But I'm willing to throw it all away! I'll erase my circle! I'll dance when I want to dance! hug the people I love! I'll go to my sister and put my arm around her shoulder when she needs me! I'll tell my boyfriend the weird shit in my mind! I'll embrace god with an open heart! That is true freedom =D and I don't need to fly to another country to find it :)! I'll believe in love and not only hope for it!!!

But while I make all these plans to erase my gouged in circle, I accidently lifted my head. The oppressive sight of the maze of circles in front of me made me realize that... Even if I erased mine, I'll still have to squeeze through the ever shrinking spaces between the circles of the people I know.

Since I revealed so many of my personal "Distance" keeping secrets, I must persist as far as my cowardly self would allow me to. Whoever reads this blog must be quite close to me. I am now going to send this entreaty out to all of you.

I'll erase my part of the circle that is closest to yours if you would too do the same for me :)
- Tell me if you are going to take up this offer! Of course, no hard feelings if you are not. I respect your personal space =D

Love,
Alison

P.S. OMG! THIS IS SO REVOLUTIONARY! HOW EXCITING IS THIS!

Here

回来的感觉好强烈。
心跳似乎加速了，胸膛里的那块石头拼命的扩大。
脖子以下感觉闷闷的，头部又昏又涨。
好紧张，好害怕，好不想离开。

家的担忧，烦恼，牵挂。
家的爱情，友情，亲情。
在家讲的话更大声，走的路更快，行的为更猛。
在家经历的种种事好贴心，好有撞击力，好真。

存在家的我每时每刻都在承受着一波又一波困惑袭上心头的感觉。

这次的离开会很恐怖。

Translation:

I'm always thirsty at home.
People, touch, speech, everything has such intensity here.
My heart beats faster, the lump in my chest gets harder.
I talk louder here. I walk faster. I act bolder.
Everything is so real, the colours so saturated.
I'm afraid of leaving.

It feels almost desperate.

被宠坏的公主

在过去的几年里，我偶尔会遇见我的一个比较罕见的面孔。
今晚我决定了，我要替她取个名字！这也便于我面对她＝D 她的名字将被称为

－被宠坏的公主

这位被宠坏的公主真是个及恐怖又讨厌的怪物。傲慢，自大的她能表现出骇人听闻的行为。说真的，我有点怕她。

她的创造非常奇怪，不是我父母从小对我的过度纵容而造成的（根本没有这种事！因为我的父母是那种相信严格简朴的教育方式，这能清楚的从我携带的背包看出来＝/）她是随着我慢慢长大，发现自己有能力轻而易举的得到我要的东西，结果，甚至某些人而成的。不要误解我的意思，我是要经过一些努力的，但大部分时侯我会得到我心中的愿望。久而久之，我开始认为和相信我要的东西我都能得到，不能得到的是因为我不够努力或情况不利。自大的我开始对不顺我心意的东西愤怒不安。说真的，我身边的那些好朋友对我的无限好可能也给了这个怪物一些不应的养分。

怎么办呢？她的出现很不理想，也让我的个人关系变紧张。直至今天早上为止我还能把她隐藏和掩盖着，但是今晚她露出了尾巴。那恐怖的怪物！她使我认为别人也应该实现我的高期望！但我明明知道世界上我唯一能控制的人是我自己，所以我不能在别人身上放任何的期望或需要。她的出现让我忽略了那个事实，使我的幸福依赖于其他人！恐怖！恐怖！恐怖！

我一定要不断的提醒自己，必须记得自己的微小，记得宽容，记得无私。这样我才能狠狠的将她窒息死亡。

My walk with THE DUDE

Every time I think about my religion, I will be seized by a variety of emotions.
1) Argh! My god! (note the irony) Why are these people so ewwwwwwwrrrgggwhwhwwwgghhhh!
2) Intense guilt- Why why why????????- I am a terrible Christian :(
3) All consuming resignation.
4) Moderate contentment.
5) Slight self debasement. Okay. Understatement.

Hmmm. I should work on being glad.
Strangely enough, Why am I still a Christian? Why did I become a Christian?!
One never really understands the odd matters of faith and screwed up minds.

P.S. HAHAHA! Fret not my dear Christian friends and boyfriend. I am NOT having doubts or a strange seizure. Just trying to add humor, a little bit of direction and truth to my, QUOTE: "Walk with God".

P.P.S. Will appreciate if NO ONE leaves a comment asking me to Pray. Its the kind of thing that will incite reaction (1) above. -refer to it if you've forgotten. Its just an eye flick away.

解放

My exams are over... Honestly, I've never felt so much pain in my life studying before.

Reading out the characters one at a time, checking my dictionary ever so often... trying to make sense of the warped logic and circular reasoning. Well.. Just another 3 1/2 years to GO! Bit impressed at my ability to concentrate though... :) Never before in my life have I been so driven to desperation...

That aside. I'm going back! Unfortunately.. I'm typing this in Hong Kong now... The dastardly plane was DELAYED and I am currently stuck in Transit for I missed my horrid plane... by 2 teeny weeny tiny MINUTES. resent resent resent.

Fret not, the anxiety is back. Anyway... The end of a semester. The return to an old life. It kind of nice... having two lives 5 hours by SQ away from each other and 12 wasted hours by Cathay and Dragon Air. Will draft VICIOUS COMPLAINT! haha but that aside, Its like having two homes... I will always have another place to go. :) For the next 3 1/2 years anyway. :)

P.S. To my shanghai family- I'll see you in a month! 老妈茄子 as our reunion dinner!

The table beside my hunched up accounting figure

Arms around each other,
a brightly coloured cafe.
Earphones shared one apiece,
Titanic playing on the laptop screen.

Alison's Stream of Consciousness 2009

There we go. My stunted fingers have lost their brains. pam bam fam wam they hit the keys with muted force. Christmas, New Year... In the light of horrid failure and painfully long yet punishingly short days, poof. They don't exist. Festivity is something that doesn't exist in Fudan. Bothered, Burdened, Disturbed. Is someone going to complain about my complaining? I don't know. Nonsense happens. Both in my brain and in that of others. New year New year. So meaningless. I do hope she treats me well... Is 2009 going to be a cruel mistress? 2008 has been good. I should stop harping on that. 2009... I think it'll be a year of light tests... Personal, Professional. Light tests... strange term... I think I used it because the outcome of these tests, be it failure or success would not be life altering. But I think that I should be able to learn more about myself, more about the world from them. mmm... 2009... It'll be a year of discipline too. I need to discipline myself, my reactions and what I say. Perhaps another way to put it would be that I need to put up a frostier glass panel. mmm... I need to learn to... yes... same thing I'm going to repeat it for the umpteenth time. 宽容的心胸 I need to discipline myself HARD with regards to this aspect. School work too... I think I need to control my sleep intake. Deprivation should be a good task master. HAHA sounds ludicrous. Nonsensical me. I'm tired... Its 12.58 how long have I been typing this random nonsense? But yes. 2009. Be kind. But challenge me. (Not with regards to exams though... I would like smooth sailing happiness...