whoopsie daisy-awesome phrase... WHHHOOOPsie daisy

Just a few random pictures...

The shoe rack in our room made with YY's parcel from home! :)

Cell CNY movie celebration
Half a lifetime of good ole friendship :)

CNY's worst days are over. YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. Distance is good. Distance is good. I take back everything I said.
Distance is comfortable, aloof and just soooo easy.

Circle drawing

To all the people in my life (Or at least those who read this blog...(I guess you can pass the message)):

There is so much I want to articulate. However, I don't have the freedom to do it here anymore. Its strange. The more you love someone, the more you keep from them. We have all sorts of reasons. We want to protect them, we hate making them feel bad etc. Boundaries, Double yellow lines, Opaque masks. I'm so tired of them. I'm so tired of treading gently around all the lines we draw up for ourselves and other people. Remember the game we played when we were younger? How not to step on cracks? It was fun back then for we knew that if we really did step on the cracks, nothing would happen. Now in the land of bigger feet, bigger ambitions and bigger boundaries stepping on the "cracks" has become a taboo. Everyone goes on and on about their personal space, their freedom, their priorities. The circle around everyone gets bigger and bigger, the space in between all of them just gets smaller and smaller. Sometimes it feels as if our own egos, our various needs, our fear of getting hurt just keeps expanding and expanding finally eliminating all chance of others getting close. The amazing disguises we give this circle drawing! They can come in the form of respecting other people's private space and therefore expecting them to respect yours, the respectful distance we keep from each other in the presence of other people for it is the civilized thing to do, we use religion, politics, society and even the idea of sex to drive wedge after wedge into the ever shrinking door for others to enter. I'm probably the most guilty offender. Just hear my theories about relationships, rooming with others, religion and of course my favourite- Personal Space. I am an absolute advocate of -Distance. Don't ask questions, Don't call people, Don't talk about how you feel. I love to keep the "Distance" by filling it with endless empty chatter, ridiculous cynicisms and of course my favourite technique... Talking about all the other people in my life (In heightened detail) so I don't have to talk about myself.

WELL. I'M SICK OF IT! While I type this post, I stand on the outside peering in. I love the Alison that is cool, distant and advocates- Personal Space. But I'm willing to throw it all away! I'll erase my circle! I'll dance when I want to dance! hug the people I love! I'll go to my sister and put my arm around her shoulder when she needs me! I'll tell my boyfriend the weird shit in my mind! I'll embrace god with an open heart! That is true freedom =D and I don't need to fly to another country to find it :)! I'll believe in love and not only hope for it!!!

But while I make all these plans to erase my gouged in circle, I accidently lifted my head. The oppressive sight of the maze of circles in front of me made me realize that... Even if I erased mine, I'll still have to squeeze through the ever shrinking spaces between the circles of the people I know.

Since I revealed so many of my personal "Distance" keeping secrets, I must persist as far as my cowardly self would allow me to. Whoever reads this blog must be quite close to me. I am now going to send this entreaty out to all of you.

I'll erase my part of the circle that is closest to yours if you would too do the same for me :)
- Tell me if you are going to take up this offer! Of course, no hard feelings if you are not. I respect your personal space =D

Love,
Alison

P.S. OMG! THIS IS SO REVOLUTIONARY! HOW EXCITING IS THIS!

Here

回来的感觉好强烈。
心跳似乎加速了，胸膛里的那块石头拼命的扩大。
脖子以下感觉闷闷的，头部又昏又涨。
好紧张，好害怕，好不想离开。

家的担忧，烦恼，牵挂。
家的爱情，友情，亲情。
在家讲的话更大声，走的路更快，行的为更猛。
在家经历的种种事好贴心，好有撞击力，好真。

存在家的我每时每刻都在承受着一波又一波困惑袭上心头的感觉。

这次的离开会很恐怖。

Translation:

I'm always thirsty at home.
People, touch, speech, everything has such intensity here.
My heart beats faster, the lump in my chest gets harder.
I talk louder here. I walk faster. I act bolder.
Everything is so real, the colours so saturated.
I'm afraid of leaving.

It feels almost desperate.

被宠坏的公主

在过去的几年里，我偶尔会遇见我的一个比较罕见的面孔。
今晚我决定了，我要替她取个名字！这也便于我面对她＝D 她的名字将被称为

－被宠坏的公主

这位被宠坏的公主真是个及恐怖又讨厌的怪物。傲慢，自大的她能表现出骇人听闻的行为。说真的，我有点怕她。

她的创造非常奇怪，不是我父母从小对我的过度纵容而造成的（根本没有这种事！因为我的父母是那种相信严格简朴的教育方式，这能清楚的从我携带的背包看出来＝/）她是随着我慢慢长大，发现自己有能力轻而易举的得到我要的东西，结果，甚至某些人而成的。不要误解我的意思，我是要经过一些努力的，但大部分时侯我会得到我心中的愿望。久而久之，我开始认为和相信我要的东西我都能得到，不能得到的是因为我不够努力或情况不利。自大的我开始对不顺我心意的东西愤怒不安。说真的，我身边的那些好朋友对我的无限好可能也给了这个怪物一些不应的养分。

怎么办呢？她的出现很不理想，也让我的个人关系变紧张。直至今天早上为止我还能把她隐藏和掩盖着，但是今晚她露出了尾巴。那恐怖的怪物！她使我认为别人也应该实现我的高期望！但我明明知道世界上我唯一能控制的人是我自己，所以我不能在别人身上放任何的期望或需要。她的出现让我忽略了那个事实，使我的幸福依赖于其他人！恐怖！恐怖！恐怖！

我一定要不断的提醒自己，必须记得自己的微小，记得宽容，记得无私。这样我才能狠狠的将她窒息死亡。

My walk with THE DUDE

Every time I think about my religion, I will be seized by a variety of emotions.
1) Argh! My god! (note the irony) Why are these people so ewwwwwwwrrrgggwhwhwwwgghhhh!
2) Intense guilt- Why why why????????- I am a terrible Christian :(
3) All consuming resignation.
4) Moderate contentment.
5) Slight self debasement. Okay. Understatement.

Hmmm. I should work on being glad.
Strangely enough, Why am I still a Christian? Why did I become a Christian?!
One never really understands the odd matters of faith and screwed up minds.

P.S. HAHAHA! Fret not my dear Christian friends and boyfriend. I am NOT having doubts or a strange seizure. Just trying to add humor, a little bit of direction and truth to my, QUOTE: "Walk with God".

P.P.S. Will appreciate if NO ONE leaves a comment asking me to Pray. Its the kind of thing that will incite reaction (1) above. -refer to it if you've forgotten. Its just an eye flick away.

解放

My exams are over... Honestly, I've never felt so much pain in my life studying before.

Reading out the characters one at a time, checking my dictionary ever so often... trying to make sense of the warped logic and circular reasoning. Well.. Just another 3 1/2 years to GO! Bit impressed at my ability to concentrate though... :) Never before in my life have I been so driven to desperation...

That aside. I'm going back! Unfortunately.. I'm typing this in Hong Kong now... The dastardly plane was DELAYED and I am currently stuck in Transit for I missed my horrid plane... by 2 teeny weeny tiny MINUTES. resent resent resent.

Fret not, the anxiety is back. Anyway... The end of a semester. The return to an old life. It kind of nice... having two lives 5 hours by SQ away from each other and 12 wasted hours by Cathay and Dragon Air. Will draft VICIOUS COMPLAINT! haha but that aside, Its like having two homes... I will always have another place to go. :) For the next 3 1/2 years anyway. :)

P.S. To my shanghai family- I'll see you in a month! 老妈茄子 as our reunion dinner!

The table beside my hunched up accounting figure

Arms around each other,
a brightly coloured cafe.
Earphones shared one apiece,
Titanic playing on the laptop screen.

Alison's Stream of Consciousness 2009

There we go. My stunted fingers have lost their brains. pam bam fam wam they hit the keys with muted force. Christmas, New Year... In the light of horrid failure and painfully long yet punishingly short days, poof. They don't exist. Festivity is something that doesn't exist in Fudan. Bothered, Burdened, Disturbed. Is someone going to complain about my complaining? I don't know. Nonsense happens. Both in my brain and in that of others. New year New year. So meaningless. I do hope she treats me well... Is 2009 going to be a cruel mistress? 2008 has been good. I should stop harping on that. 2009... I think it'll be a year of light tests... Personal, Professional. Light tests... strange term... I think I used it because the outcome of these tests, be it failure or success would not be life altering. But I think that I should be able to learn more about myself, more about the world from them. mmm... 2009... It'll be a year of discipline too. I need to discipline myself, my reactions and what I say. Perhaps another way to put it would be that I need to put up a frostier glass panel. mmm... I need to learn to... yes... same thing I'm going to repeat it for the umpteenth time. 宽容的心胸 I need to discipline myself HARD with regards to this aspect. School work too... I think I need to control my sleep intake. Deprivation should be a good task master. HAHA sounds ludicrous. Nonsensical me. I'm tired... Its 12.58 how long have I been typing this random nonsense? But yes. 2009. Be kind. But challenge me. (Not with regards to exams though... I would like smooth sailing happiness...