Save me

Ever since I first watched "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", a certain line that clementine said engraved itself onto my mind. She tells Joel that "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."

To me, that line is the epitome of cool. It is ruthlessly honest, it possesses spunk, spirit and an unwavering independence. Reading this line as a teenager made me feel worldly and strong. I wanted to be in her position, to say that, to be that person. Superficially, I still relate. I am a messed up girl trying to find my own peace of mind, I still don't have the capacity to help someone else find his. Clementine's statement though, has deeper connotations than that. Those lines should apply to herself as well. What she does not want others to expect of her, she probably does not expect of others. Her peace of mind is hers to find, and not someone else's prerogative to give her.

Fast forward a couple of years, I catch myself writing a post last night that goes as follows...

"Its always startling to realise that one has been replaced.

Today, I think I saw a definite sign of that. I guess no amount of preparation or rationality can ever cushion the blow. I guess I always thought that he would be around, that solid, comforting presence in my life. With him around, I was never really afraid. He lent me the courage to pursue my dreams, patiently talked me through my moments of despair... (hey, he just called me on skype - right smack in my moment of despair)

Coming back to what I was writing... I guess it was a false alarm. Foreshadowing of what is to come?"

Who was the teenage me trying to fool? I am no Clementine. I am looking for someone that I can depend on, someone that makes me better than I am. I'm looking for someone that puts a spring in my step, someone that is the answer to all that is wrong in my life. I'm looking for someone that would as Joel said "save me". (I feel inordinately obliged to put in a god reference here and talk about how I have found that person- but I won't. On my blog at least I get to be truthful) I guess to a certain extent, what is left of teenage Alison in me is disgusted by this admission and wants to stomp around chanting "weak!". But hey, what does teenage Alison know about romantic love? =D Maybe 21 year old Alison does not know much about it too, however she does know much more about herself and her needs.

I might never find that person that can be all that I want him to be. However it is time that I acknowledge what I want. It at least brings me a step closer to getting it.

Organised religion and Choice

In Barry Schwartz "The Paradox of Choice", I came upon an extremely interesting passage detailing how choices have affected the American view of religious activities.

"Whereas most of us inherit the religious affiliations of our parents, we are remarkable free to choose exactly the "flavor" of that affiliation that suits us. We are unwilling to regard religious teachings as commandments, about which we have no choice, rather than suggestions, about which we are the ultimate arbiters. We look upon participation in a religious community as an opportunity to choose just the form of community that gives us what we want out of religion. Some of us may be seeking emotional fulfillment. Some may be seeking social connection. Some may be seeking ethical guidance and assistance with specific problems in our lives. Religious institutions then become a market for comfort, tranquility, spirituality, and ethical reflection, and we "religion consumers" shop in that market until we find what we like.

It may seem odd to talk about religious institutions in these kinds of shopping-mall terms, but I think such descriptions reflect what many people want and expect from their religious activities and affiliations. This is not surprising, given the dominance of individual choice and personal satisfaction as values in our culture. Even when people join communities of faith and expect to participate in the life of these communities and embrace (at least some of) the practices of these communities, they simultaneously expect the communities to be responsive to their needs, their tastes and their desires."

I guess this passage hit a spot with me, not merely because of its incredible accuracy, but because ever since I came to HK, I've been using "shopping for churches" as an excuse to be lazy and sleep in on Sundays. Every church that I go to is never the "perfect" one for me.