Decisions

From an article in the nytimes about decision fatigue. (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you-suffer-from-decision-fatigue.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ref=general&src=me)

"Part of the resistance against making decisions comes from our fear of giving up options. The word “decide” shares an etymological root with “homicide,” the Latin word “caedere,” meaning “to cut down” or “to kill,” and that loss looms especially large when decision fatigue sets in."

I'm hiding behind this!

Grace

I love Grace, she always puts things in perspective for me.

Me: I spent the entire day shut in my room sobbing and listening to Skyscraper by Demi Lovato.
Grace: That is so f****** emo.

Me: I feel like I progressed too quickly. I tried to do the right thing, but I am not ready for it. That's why I am miserable.
Grace: The deed should come first, that is how you become a better person. (Okay, I must admit that I don't remember the exact words, but this is the gist of it.)

My sister, what would I do without her.

Understanding God

I read something the other day, which made me think of what some of the premises a Christian life is based on. It is difficult to provide the full context of the excerpt. However it is basically said by a young intellectual who is dealt a death sentence from chronic consumption. He argues against the teachings of humility and obedience for their futility against his inevitable end.

Dostoevsky's - The Idiot

"At the same time, no matter how hard I tried, I could never imagine that there was no future life or providence. Most probably it all does exist, but we understand nothing of that future life, nor anything of the laws that govern it. But if it is so difficult, even absolutely impossible, to comprehend, how could I be held responsible for failing to makes sense of the incomprehensible? Of course they tell me, and the prince along with them, naturally, that this is where obedience comes in, one must obey without question, out of pure decorum, and for this meekness of mine I will most certainly be rewarded in the next world. We greatly demean providence if we ascribe our conceptions to it out of pique that we can't understand its workings. But then again, if it's impossible to understand, then I repeat, it is hard if we have to answer for what man is not equipped to comprehend. And if so, how am I to be judged for not being able to understand the true will and laws of providence? No, best leave religion out of this."

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As Christians we are often told of the "eternal perspective" that god has and that we as mere mortals, specks in the timeline of this universe cannot possibly comprehend God's plan. We are told to be obedient and that in his time, he will reveal what little we are ready for. So much of our lives is waiting, trying to listen, waiting and obeying, all whilst trying to plaster the giant question mark ahead with faith.

Ippolit says "if it's impossible to understand, then I repeat, it is hard if we have to answer for what man is not equipped to comprehend." To a certain extent, I do see where he is coming from. We don't know what is up ahead. It is because of this question mark that the need for words like "eternal perspective" and "in his time" exist. It is because of this question mark that we cling to faith like a lifebuoy. We are obedient, we are humble, we follow meekly, and we do all these based on what? The mystery of god's infinite plan, the rough sketch we get of providence? Despite all the lack of understanding and frenetic plastering of holes with faith, we still face judgment. Judgment for a world that we don't quite understand. Judgment for the sin that we were born into (should we choose to turn away from god), Judgment from a god that we cannot wholly comprehend.

It just seems like too much sometimes.

Wanderlust

I am so glad that I made the decision to go off to Phuket. Truth is, I just need to get away from everything for awhile. I miss being a stranger in a foreign land, the cloak of anonymity, seen as loneliness by some is a sort of comfort to me. I like wandering streets knowing that I'll never see the faces around me again.

All that said, I must admit though, the wanderlust in me has somewhat been quenched. I sense a change of heart, a pulling towards security, a stable home, a job and a family. I kind of realise that I don't want to lead a life stumbling around the world. Its not the kind of life that will bring me the most satisfaction. However, this means that there are other factors that I must take into account. I think I will soon come to the point where I have to gamble with what I personally want as opposed to what is best for stability.

Trees

I remember what it was like going down the mountain in the dark. I remember flinging myself from tree to tree, grasping blindly, ignoring the the scrapes on my fingers and the cuts on my thighs. Tree to tree, trying to stop my inevitable descent.

Its odd, but it seems to be the perfect analogy for what I have been doing.