Ebb and Flow

It is said that our need for social connections is satiable. It is like hunger, it builds if not satisfied and when satisfied, disappears. Like hunger though, the need recurs over and over again. Ebb and Flow, Wax and Wane, Rise and Fall  - we have created so many synonyms to try capture this feeling of flux amid order.

That is how I feel; constant flux within a set and determined order.

Taylor Swift

Today I realised that I have 17 Taylor Swift songs in my iTunes. The most played is Tim McGraw at 149 plays. I am almost ashamed to be me right now. LOL.

Where will I be in 5 years time?

Today someone asked me a question. He asked me to picture myself in 5 years time and in my most idealised dream scenario, where on earth would I be, would I be single/married, what time would I wake up and what would I be doing. I'm not going to reveal my answers, however I did find out from him, with regards to what made the question so good.

1) He gets to roughly guess the girl's age depending on her answer with regards to the single/married question or most girls just go 'well... in 5 years time I will be 25 etc.' and BINGO!

2) He gets to find out with further prompting if they are seriously/casually dating someone based on their answers.

3) He gets them to talk about themselves and everyone likes talking about themselves thus he gets a favorable opinion. Also, most girls would ask him the same question in return.

4) When he gets to answer, based on what kind of girl he thinks she is - eg. If she is really sappy - he can alter his response to be something like 'well I imagine that I would be married and I will wake up at 7.30 to make breakfast for my wife'. LOL.

The point though, was not to educate you guys about how to get to know girls, but that I learnt something about myself whilst answering his question. When he was asking where on earth can I imagine myself in 5 years, I genuinely could not come up with an answer. If I could be living anywhere that I want, I don't know where would I want to live. I could say that my most direct go-to place would be Singapore. However, I will be lying if I say that living in Singapore for the rest of my life is the stuff of my wildest dreams. Maybe I'm at that place in life where the thought of settling anywhere just scares me.

It's kinda odd for me to observe myself now. I feel like I am at this stage in life where the thought of commitment to anyone, any idea, any path in life, just plain old makes me deeply uneasy. Maybe it's because I am starting to realise that commitment has consequences; it means sacrifice and the forfeiting of other options. I don't think I am comfortable with the opportunity cost of major life decisions now. So instead, I live in this state of limbo and I keep everything hypothetical. Ah well... just a few angsty college kid thoughts.

"Oh #@!$%, everyone's staying! What am I going to do?"

I have to share a paragraph in my Social Psychology textbook. It is too funny.

The passage was about the Alamo. To provide a little context, it was a scene of epic bravery in Texas's war of Independence from Mexico. There were fewer than 200 Texan soldiers garrisoned at the Alamo and they were to go up against 4000 Mexican troops under the command of General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna. Before the battle began, their commander Lieutenant Colonel William Travis offered every soldier the opportunity to leave he did so by drawing a line in the sand and inviting all who wished to join him to cross it. Every single man crossed that line and all of them died.

The psychologist who wrote the passage was at Alamo for a social psychology conference.

Now for the passage!

"There is no denying the heroism of those 200 men. They gave their 'last full measure of devotion' to the cause. But there is something about experiencing the Alamo in the presence of so many social psychologists - people attuned to the importance of the tiniest situational detail- that made it hard to imagine that the event actually occurred in such a storybook fashion. Given what we know about human behavior, it is unlikely that all 200 individuals enthusiastically crossed the line to join Travis. It is much more likely that the most devoted did so, and then a few more crossed the line so as not to be outdone, and then the others only reluctantly did so, after thinking to themselves, "Oh #@!$%, everyone's staying! What am I going to do?""

LOL. Now every textbook should be written like that.

Gilovich, T., Keltner, D. & Nisbett, R.E.(2011).Social Psychology (2nd ed.).New York:W.W. Norton. pp 275-276

His Robes for Mine

Today at church, we sang for the first time the most wonderful hymn. The lyrics just so beautifully reflected the graciousness and all-encompassing quality of the Lord's love for us; that he would sacrifice the life of his perfect son in exchange for  our unworthy lives. 

His robes for mine: O wonderful exchange!
Clothed in my sin, Christ suffered ‘neath God’s rage.
Draped in His righteousness, I’m justified.
In Christ I live, for in my place He died.

Chorus:

I cling to Christ, and marvel at the cost:
Jesus forsaken, God estranged from God.
Bought by such love, my life is not my own.
My praise-my all-shall be for Christ alone.

His robes for mine: what cause have I for dread?
God’s daunting Law Christ mastered in my stead.
Faultless I stand with righteous works not mine,
Saved by my Lord’s vicarious death and life.

His robes for mine: God’s justice is appeased.
Jesus is crushed, and thus the Father’s pleased.
Christ drank God’s wrath on sin, then cried “‘Tis done!”
Sin’s wage is paid; propitiation won.

His robes for mine: such anguish none can know.
Christ, God’s beloved, condemned as though His foe.
He, as though I, accursed and left alone;
I, as though He, embraced and welcomed home. 

--Chris Anderson/words --Greg Habegger/music

Honesty and Simplicity

I just want to be honest and simple again in my inter-personal relationships. However it just seems impossible to be honest without hurting anyone. Honesty seems to only thrive in situations that are pure of motive, trust laden and free of judgment. Looking at my description of such a situation, I think I am losing hope with each word that I type.

Introducing the awesomest roomie ever!

My roommate and I have fun.

How my iPod ruined my social graces

Just a couple of days ago, my french teacher stopped me mid-walk out of the classroom and said "Alison, tu aimes la musique, toi?" I think the fact that my french teacher whom I only see twice a week can notice my iPod obsession reflects something significant about the extent to which I am constantly plugged in.

I remember that I once admonished a poor soul on his "excessive" use of his mp3 player. My rationale was that the world is so fascinating, people are so interesting, it doesn't makes sense for him to want to block off all the sounds of the world. In fact, to properly experience life, we owe it to stimuli to actually take it in! Bleagh. I was such a irritating combination of idealist and existentialist.

Moving on several years later, here I am writing this post on how my iPod ruined my social graces. Then again, what social graces did I possess in the beginning if I was telling poor souls off about their personal habits. Thinking about it, the problem is probably exacerbated by that. I am already one of the more awkward people that I know. (Of course this excludes those with actually social issues) I have terrible habits like talking to myself in the shower and for some reason, the externalised internal dialogue likes to present itself whilst I climb stairs, and, when embarassing moments pop up in my head.

When I use my iPod...

1) I lose the ability to hear myself which further worsens the talking to myself problem because I cannot hear myself externalising, thus I am unable to check it. Worse still, I have the awful tendency that I judge others in the subway on. I sing half sentences that make complete sense when accompanied by my music, but sound ridiculous to strangers. (The problem is made infinitely worse when I OCCASIONALLY listen to songs like sexy bitch and I wanna f*** you baby) Most horrifying should be the "shaking" which I think is repressed dancing. It's almost like a rhythmic seizure that primarily affects my neck region and foot. Sometimes hand, and head... and shoulders. I should stop, this is getting embarrassing.

2) I ignore people. When I plug in, its just me, my thoughts and the music. Often after a hard class the last thing I want is to be bombarded with even more stimuli. So, anxious to plug in, I dash out of class to avoid walking to the bus stop with my classmates. Yep. I do that. =/

How many times have I been stopped by a breathless school mate asking me why did I not slow down to wait for them. Or worse, be confronted with a question on another day asking me why did I not respond when my name was called. ANSWER: Inner Ear Headphones

3) Wait, did I mention the farting? =D

For now though, my third pair of headphones just died on me. Life is getting more unbearable by the minute.