Becoming genuine

I am always trying to reach my ideal self. In an ideal world, Alison would...

1) Be more spiritual

2) Be more disciplined (With regards to my academics, responsibilities and  jogging)

3) Be more kind and in touch with other people

4) Be hotter - body wise (Yes it is an overlap with the ideal self)

5) Have a resume that would melt potential employers and future school admission officers hearts.

I try to get to my ideal self by forcing myself to do things that I don't particularly enjoy. I thought that if I did it for long enough, I would be able to cultivate the habit and eventually enjoy it. Slowly, everything became duty and obligation... not to anyone else or any organization, but to my ideal self.

I think after my episode of severe burnout a month ago, I had to reach deeper within myself than I normally would. I have been trying to figure out what truly brings me enjoyment, not some far-fetched notion of future happiness, but pleasure in the here and now.

I am now in the process of re-examining my relationships, and I guess I am realizing that if I have to write the names of some people on a list to remember to keep in contact with them, maybe it is saying something about my feelings toward them. If I am cringing as I write another cover letter about the person that I supposedly am, or the activities that I supposedly like, or the values that I supposedly hold, maybe that is saying something about who I want to be as well.

I won't deny that it is very difficult for me to accept and even endorse my own feelings and needs, especially when concerning my professional ideal self. However it is time I try be a little more genuine. After all, I do believe that if I am doing something that I really like, I would excel at it.

Camps

I've been forced to go to 2 camps in the past 6 months. Honestly, that is too much for a normal human being of my age. I spent 4 years of my life digging holes in the ground and collecting sticks for fire. Nowadays, I just want to sleep in a real bed. But no, they want me to sleep on the ground, to pee in the bushes, to learn about leadership and teamwork. Don't get me wrong, I love nature... it is the communal aspect of camp that scares me the most. They keep wanting me to TALK to SHARE to OPEN UP. The most recent camp even forced me to write a reflection paper on what I have learnt. So here goes... watch me transform what I hate most about camp, into something to be advocated for.

Talk

Walking and talking, that is what we did. Sitting and talking, cooking and talking, helping and talking, that is what we did. For two days, we talked, and we talked, and we talked. We talked about school, about dreams, about our disappointments and our triumphs. We talked at the base of the hill, mid way up the hill and at the peak of the hill. There were many attempts by both instructors and uBuddies alike, to relate our climbing of a physical hill to the metaphorical journey of ups and downs that life is. I see the connection in the talking. On the hill as in life, we are constantly talking, constantly striving to confirm our identity in other people’s affirmations, constantly striving to build the social connections that are so fundamental to our mental health. So we talk.

From all the talking, different identities, personalities across the spectrum start taking shape. The more we talk, the more detail gets etched into our sketch in other people’s minds. We start filling out, becoming multi-dimensional, our bodies swelling with words. Through talking, we exist, we become real.

When we talk, we gain new understanding into our experiences, our hurts, and our carefully nursed wounds. Talking helps us re-organize the information in our minds. Talking opens closed doors and creates a path for revival. When we talk and others listen, it feels undeniably good.

Therein lies the secret behind a caring campus – the power of talking. Talking is therapeutic, and it establishes connections with others. So, uBuddies talk. We talk to reach out, to help, to change. We talk to the school body via e-mails, we talk via signboards, and we talk with mouths, our hands and our hearts. Most importantly, uBuddies listen to other people talk, because we know the power behind speech. So we talk.

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My duplicity and ability to conform never cease to amaze me.