There is a boy whose face makes my world go quiet.
He has a look in his eyes - it's gentle, tender, tentative, and apprehensive. Sometimes I get to see it. At times I get a little panicky, a little anxious, a little sad when he won't meet my gaze. I can memorise the line of his jaw - narrow, defined and hard. I often encounter his jaw as I attempt to quiet my world, chin pointed away.
My fingertips have imprinted upon them the feel of his ribs, his bone and muscle. Instinctively, they want to touch him, to hold him. Touching him is always a mistake. Contact with him hollows me out.
I cry in front of him, and he does not take me in his arms. I tell him that I want to end things and he does not shed a tear. He sees me when it is convenient, when I fit into his schedule. His time is a gift, and I am to be grateful. He doesn't need me, he doesn't want me, everyone else in his life has the same ability to make him happy. He is happy, with or without me.
I am tired of trying to make a dent in his life, tired of trying to get him to look at me instead of turning away. Tired of trying to figure out if its me - that I just cannot inspire him to love me, or is it that he has no capacity to love me the way I need to be loved. I'm tired of testing the weight of my presence in his world. I'm tired of trying to see if I can affect his emotions, tired of realising how ineffectual I am. I am tired of pretending that I do not love him as much as I do. I am tired of pretending that I do not want to see him 5 days a week, I am tired of protecting myself from someone who can and will hurt me. I am tired of trying to become someone that he would love more. I know that I am bigger and stronger, I am better than the reflection of me in his eyes.
My mouth is puckered with bitterness. I am going to savour it. I will remember it. I will nurse it and feed it. My bitterness will be my armor - with it, I will build a wall to keep him out.
I deserve better.
I deserve someone that makes my world erupt with laughter. Someone that would look at me. Someone that would hold me when I cry, someone that I can delight with my presence and hurt with my absence. I deserve better.
He has a look in his eyes - it's gentle, tender, tentative, and apprehensive. Sometimes I get to see it. At times I get a little panicky, a little anxious, a little sad when he won't meet my gaze. I can memorise the line of his jaw - narrow, defined and hard. I often encounter his jaw as I attempt to quiet my world, chin pointed away.
My fingertips have imprinted upon them the feel of his ribs, his bone and muscle. Instinctively, they want to touch him, to hold him. Touching him is always a mistake. Contact with him hollows me out.
I cry in front of him, and he does not take me in his arms. I tell him that I want to end things and he does not shed a tear. He sees me when it is convenient, when I fit into his schedule. His time is a gift, and I am to be grateful. He doesn't need me, he doesn't want me, everyone else in his life has the same ability to make him happy. He is happy, with or without me.
I am tired of trying to make a dent in his life, tired of trying to get him to look at me instead of turning away. Tired of trying to figure out if its me - that I just cannot inspire him to love me, or is it that he has no capacity to love me the way I need to be loved. I'm tired of testing the weight of my presence in his world. I'm tired of trying to see if I can affect his emotions, tired of realising how ineffectual I am. I am tired of pretending that I do not love him as much as I do. I am tired of pretending that I do not want to see him 5 days a week, I am tired of protecting myself from someone who can and will hurt me. I am tired of trying to become someone that he would love more. I know that I am bigger and stronger, I am better than the reflection of me in his eyes.
My mouth is puckered with bitterness. I am going to savour it. I will remember it. I will nurse it and feed it. My bitterness will be my armor - with it, I will build a wall to keep him out.
I deserve better.
I deserve someone that makes my world erupt with laughter. Someone that would look at me. Someone that would hold me when I cry, someone that I can delight with my presence and hurt with my absence. I deserve better.
