Unicorns and Donkeys

The world seems to think that a unicorn is a mythical beast. It's used to describe the impossible love, the lacuna between reality and desire.

I believe in unicorns. I think unicorns are just like love. They cannot exist, until you give something of yourself in the belief of it.

Unicorns are magical. They bring light, joy and fantasy. I had a unicorn, and then I stopped believing, and it turned into a donkey.

I then complained to the donkey about how it wasn't magical anymore. I wet my pillow with tears, night after night, as I mourned my unicorn.

And then one day, I got out of bed, and I gave my donkey a hug. I gave it food, brushed it's coat till it gleamed, and showered it with little kisses. I looked at my donkey, and he wasn't a donkey anymore. I guess he never was. Unicorns are magic, you need to believe to see.

Love

'When I love someone, I want only good things to happen to him. When I hate someone, I wish bad things on him. And in the recent months, you've been tormenting Bernard and us as well. What does that have to do with love? Nothing.'

Now let us imagine the living room as a stage: to the far right there is a fireplace; opposite, a bookcase on the edge of the stage. In the background, the centre of the stage is taken up by a couch, a coffee table and two armchairs. Paul is standing in the middle of the room, Laura is by the fireplace keeping her eyes fixed upon Agnes, who is standing only a few steps away. Laura's swollen eyes are accusing her sister of cruelty, insensitivity and cold-heartedness. While Agnes is speaking, Laura kept retreating backwards to the middle of the room towards Paul, as if trying to express by this movement, her astonished alarm at her sister's unfair attack.

When she came within a step or two of Paul, she stopped and repeated: 'You don't know what love is about.'

Agnes stepped forwards and took up her sister's former position at the fireplace. She said: 'I understand love perfectly well. In love the most important thing is the other person, the one we love. That's what it's all about, and nothing else. And I ask myself: what does love mean to a person who is capable of seeing nothing but herself. In other words, what does love mean to an absolutely egocentric woman.'

'To ask what love means makes no sense, my dear sister,' said Laura. 'Love is something you've either experienced or you haven't. Love is love, that's all you can say about it. It's a pair of wings beating in my heart and driving me to do things that seem unwise to you. And that's precisely what you've never experienced. You said I was incapable of seeing anybody but myself. But I see you, and I see right through you. When you kept assuring me of your love during these last few weeks, I knew perfectly well that coming out of your mouth that word has no meaning. It was just a trick. An argument to mollify me. To keep me from disturbing your tranquility. I know you, sister, you've been living your whole life on the other side of love.

Immortality by Milan Kundera
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There comes a point in time in every relationship, when the words 'I love you', get stuck in my throat.

I never thought it would happen in this one. I remember telling my sister that with Mike, for the very first time, I know with all certainty that I love someone. Love as a feeling had never felt more concrete. Fast forward 5 weeks, and here I am. Back in the same place of confusion... feeling like a fraud when I say the words 'I love you'.

Love constantly evolves outside all of my expectations and imaginings. I cannot put on my finger on it, and when I cannot, I choke. 

Chasing the Snowman

It's commonly known that when 1000 people listen to a sermon, they hear a 1000 different versions of it.

I think I am starting to realize that love is the same way. Two people can be in a relationship, and have entirely different perceptions of what is going on.

I just want someone that is willing to tell me the truth, and willing to open themselves up to me, the same way I would like to be with them. I don't know if I am chasing the snowman. 

望乡-满文军

夕阳河边走 举目望苍穹
渺渺炊烟飘来的是乡愁
多少回朝夕枕幕思念着你哟...

轻松

今天，我挺享受生活的。开心，音乐真美好。觉得变成了我满意的人。轻松，有信心。好像明白了一个道理 －如果自己以足够，就不会害怕，不会着急，不会一直需要对群众证明什么。那样就轻松了。

Learning to love

I have always felt an emptiness within me. I blamed B for not loving me the way I wanted him to. I then blamed J for the same reason. Praying about it to God today, I realise that my desperate need to be loved cannot come from anything of the world. My need for unconditional love can only be met by God, because it was my departure from Him, that put it there.

Today, I tried to break up with J. I have been struggling with our relationship for months. Wondering whether I really loved him, thinking about ending it whenever the going got rough. I never did, until today. Blinded by a whole host of expectations and notions about what "love" should be, I branded our relationship as un-worthy.

Losing J brought up old memories of B, and made me feel that I was unworthy of love. I asked myself what was wrong with me, that both men couldn't sustain their love for me. It was then, when I was on my knees crying out to God, that I realised how my fear of being unworthy of love manifested itself in my relationships - it made the man that I am with feel inadequate, and burdened.

Love is a gift. I have been so selfish in my attempts at love. I demanded to be loved, so that I could feel secure. But I never gave myself to love. Never tried to give my heart as a gift, without expecting anything in return. I saw my love as a transaction, I exchanged it for security. That isn't love. Little wonder I felt like a fraud saying it.

Realising the above, my heart stilled and I realised that I have something good with J. It's not love yet. However this time, instead of asking someone to give me love, I am secure enough to volunteer the potential of it. Thanks for giving me a chance.

Initiating Change

Initiating Change – Alison’s Work/Study Issue

As someone training to become an HR consultant, I have learnt that before any change can be initiated, it is vital to do a forcefield/stakeholder analysis. Learn who are the stakeholders - who is for, who is against, who has the power, and what is their sphere of influence. 

1) Find Change Agents at every level

2) Communicate objectives and expectations to every party involved

3) Ensure two-way communication so as to Get Feedback and Understand Resistance

Objectives:

1) Continue career development throughout grad school - Gain expertise in conceptual work and consulting work

2) Get paid enough to live and save a little, so as to pay off my tuition loans. 

Situation:

Currently working in the HK APAC office. Going to grad school in NY this September. Arranging for me to transfer to the German office so as to reach my objectives. Germany will allow me to work remotely.

Germany is structured differently from HK. Each team is led by a team leader and is responsible for only one type of product/service. In HK, everyone is a generalist. Therein lies several constraints:

1. Each team works separately from others
2. Learning will be limited to the product/service offered
3. Since teams are limited, work for me will also be limited
4. I have only 3 months to be physically present in Germany

Other issues – Working Remotely:

1.  Only development in conceptual work
2. How to get development in consulting work?

Plan to Meet my Objectives: Work for 2 teams, open doors for consulting opportunities

Monday and Tuesday: Team 1

Wednesday and Thursday: Team 2

Friday: Shadow CEO

Problem:

1) Stakeholder Analysis

Stakeholders: CEO, COO, HR, Team Leaders concerned (B.L Questionnaires, Mig AC, Mik Trainings), people who care about keeping me engaged (G)

Pro: Grace, Bastian - Questionnaires

Pro-Neutral: CEO

Neutral: COO, HR, Miguel AC, Mike Trainings

2) Change Agents - How to Influence (Is there a need to do Needs Analysis?)

(Ranked in terms of priority)

CEO: What are his needs? 

• Talents - committed to vision, loyal, capable - quality and quantity
• Organizational Fairness - perception
• He wants GROWTH - how do I give him that?

Influence: 

1. Talents - me (show via actions - Find out how! Shadowing?)
2. Protect Org. fairness - get team leader buy in
3. Growth - San Fran office? Get agreement from Chad

COO: What are his needs?

• Streamline and tidy up operations 
• Get a global system going - clean it up
• Organizational fairness
• Value for Money

Influence: 

1. Operations - not sure. Guinea pig for payment with services method?
2. Protect Org. fairness - get team leader buy in, Show data on cost of living difference in NY VS. Bamberg? (http://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/compare_cities.jsp?country1=United+States&country2=Germany&city1=New+York%2C+NY&city2=Nuremberg)
3. Value: I do not know how to show this to Dirk

Miguel AC and Mike Trainings: 

• Need to deliver high quality work on time
• Favour with CEO?
• Reliable, capable talent

Influence:

1. Work and Talent: Send samples of work that I have already done, Commit to doing what it takes - working on weekends if needed, Pull in references from G and T if needed
2. Favour: Get CEO's backing

HR: Needs this to be as easy and as fuss-free as possible. (overworked)

Influence:

1. Hammer out all details before approaching HR with comprehensive list

3) Plan

Details:

Bottom up approach:

• By 4/4: 1) Gain buy-in from Miguel 2) Gain buy-in from Mike 3) Deal with B.L (method stated above - influence TL)
• By 15/4: Gain buy-in from CEO; communicate objectives and expectations. Get Feedback and Understand Resistance: adjust plan accordingly
• May: Get Feedback and Understand Resistance: SHOW work capability, build relationships, adjust plan accordingly
• June: NY plan - influence COO and HR - capitalize on May

31 July 2013

It is safe to say that I am in a new stage of my life. I am re-thinking the priorities in my life, and learning more about what I can handle.

As with most young adults, I have had a number of turning points in my life. The first time Brandon recognised the potential of my sulky underachieving teenage butt and gave me a leadership position, the time I decided that I had to get a scholarship to go overseas, becoming head girl guide, joining NYAA and subsequently PAYM, meeting Ken and Oliver in Russia - people that became great mentors and motivators in my life, getting the STB scholarship and going to China when I was 18, meeting amazing people like Gerald that helped me realise that I can pave my way in life without leaning on the government, breaking my bond, coming to HK, and now...

31 July 2013

I would like to forever remember this date. I see it as the cumulation of all the turning points of my life. On the 31st of July, I moved out of my college dorm and my cushy scholarship padded life into the real world. 

With all my possessions in HK, I stepped into a dimly lit, green living room. Straight ahead of me, was a cluttered table with two computers on it and two green chairs jostling for space next to it. Deeper into the corridor two wardrobes blocked the entrances of the toilet and kitchen. On my left, a tower of filled plastic boxes, three luggages and wooden planks leaning haphazardly against the wall. On my right, a bunk bed with curtains sticking out, the narrowest passage way and two mismatched wardrobes. Like confetti, the floor was littered with cable ties, plastic wrappers and tools. I look ahead to see my landlord in the midst of all the crap, telling me that the wardrobe has not arrived, and he has not built the bed yet. A sinking feeling started making itself known in the pit of my stomach as I gazed around the cramped living room and realised that where my bunk bed was supposed to be, there was already another against the wall.

“Cody, where is my bed going to be?” “Here, right here!” He motions to the area perpendicular to the other bed. “How is it going to fit? The bed is too long.” “No, no it’s fine, it will fit, don’t worry!”… (I went back that afternoon to see my bed sticking out into the corridor, partially blocking the way to the kitchen and bathroom)

That night during dinner at Ikea with JY and Cindy, still unsure if my bed is even built, we started talking about the honors results released that morning. JY and Cindy were despairing about their honors, and I suddenly had an epiphany. Sure, I got a first class. It was all that I had ever wanted for the past three years; I worked my butt off for it, obsessed over it and thought that it would change my life. There I was, sitting in Ikea with two of my friends who didn’t get first class honors, but had their own rooms to live in. I finally understood what all the big shots meant when they said that university merely gives you a piece of paper. It was quite bittersweet to realise that at the end of the day, all that I valued, did not seem to matter in a world that uses a currency I don't quite have enough of.

To cut an unnecessarily long story short, by the end of the night, I found myself in my new home. Three bunk beds, three wardrobes squeezed in a living room that was HK sized. Whenever I needed to walk anywhere in the house, I had to turn sideways and crabwalk. At least everyone is nice; there is a lot of waiting at junctions for someone to crabwalk out before one crabwalks in. I slept the first night without curtains on my bunk bed and no earplugs.

Okay, I exaggerated when I said that I “slept”. Woke up the next morning, skyped Jason and started crying as I talked. I was overwhelmed, my nerves rubbed raw and generally depressed.

Four nights in, I have pretty much adapted to the place. I set up a system in my bunk bed with areas for hanging my ear plugs and eye mask, electrical cords extend to my bed, a hanging lamp, I’ve got a curtain, and I am even getting used to the swaying motion of my bed as people bump into it on the way in/out of the kitchen/bathroom area. I have even managed to do work in my bed during the last two nights. For now, the new bed is called “THE BAT CAVE”.

I think I will be all right.

B

I dreamt of B today. I woke up from the dry, shallow inhalations that were my body's attempt to breathe through the weight.

We were laughing helplessly at each other's antics. I was angry, petulant in the beginning. However he lost his balance and was falling over me, and I punched his balls by mistake. It was a riot.

So blasé about the butt

In Literally by Antonya Nelson 

“Do you know there’s a second part to that expression? The ‘retentive’ part?” his father asked. “It’s amazing how comfortable people are tossing that around—‘anal retentive.’ People are very casual with the psychology. So blasé about the butt.”

The Highly Sensitive Person

Over the years, I have noticed things about myself that have baffled and confused me. 

A simple situation such as a conversation with an authoritative figure, or a prayer meeting would cause my heart to beat faster, my skin to feel tight and pressure to build up in my head. Whenever I travel with friends or when friends come to visit me for longer than a day or two, I wind up getting very irritable, tired and sensitive. Being in situations wherein I am surrounded by people that I do not know and trust can give me a tension headache. I need more time in bed than the average person. I get deeply affected by other people's moods and emotions. I am intolerant of pain and barely tolerant of hunger. My moods and level of alertness are strongly affected by light, sound and temperature. I am often anxious, tension filled and highly susceptible to stress. I often get pushed to the point where I need spend days in bed, windows drawn, alone. During periods of stress, I cannot even bring myself to acknowledge my roommate's presence.

I used to toy with the idea that perhaps I was depressed, or had an anxiety disorder. However, I knew that my self-diagnosis was wrong. Today, I was reading up about Introverts (which I also decided that I was), when I chanced upon the highly sensitive trait, also known as high sensory-processing sensitivity. Everything fell into place. 

I now know why I am, how I am.

I am a Highly Sensitive Person. A HSP is highly aroused by new or prolonged stimulation, strongly reactive to external stimuli like noise and light, susceptible to stress-related and psychosomatic illnesses. HSPs are more easily overwhelmed. They are deeply affected by other people's moods and emotions and more aware of subtleties. They are highly intuitive, able to concentrate deeply, right brained and less liner than non-HSPs; they are highly conscientious and excellent at spotting and avoiding errors.

According to Dr. Elaine Aron who pioneered research on HSPs, 'HSPs have an uncommonly sensitive nervous system. Sensitivity is an inherited trait, that tends to be a disadvantage only at high levels of stimulation. Everything is magnified for HSPs. What is moderately arousing for most people is highly arousing for the HSP, and what is highly arousing for others is off the charts for the HSPs, who reach a shutdown point once they attain a certain arousal level.'

For me personally, the most enlightening feature of HSPs, is that HSPs process information differently from non-HSPs; HSPs process information more deeply. I have always been accused of 'thinking too much', 'being in my head', 'worrying too much' and 'overanalysing'. My roommate even has a nickname for me called '多多' because she thinks that I think too much. I have always felt criticised and shamed for thinking the way I do. Now, I know that it is natural for me to analyse and ponder. It is how my brain is wired. I go inwards. 

I could go on and on about what I have learned. For tonight though, suffice to say, I feel like I understand myself a little bit better.

To Stand and Stare

William Henry Davies - Leisure

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this is if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

Stress

I woke up today with the most ferocious tension headache. I worry that the stress is starting to overwhelm my body. My body feels like a wound up spring, coiled tight, vibrating from the tension. This needs to go. 

Uncertain Evils

A little poetry for an anxious time.

From John Milton's Cormus -

Peace, Brother; be not over-exquisite
To cast the fashion of uncertain evils:
For grant they be so, while they rest unknown,
What need a man forestall his date of grief,
And run to meet what he would most avoid?

I am an idiot

I was not kind in the past 24 hours.

On my 23rd birthday, I spent quite a bit of time reflecting upon the upheavals and dramatic changes of my 22nd year. I felt that I had reached a new level of maturity, and I was glad.

Yesterday night, when a boy told me that he liked me, I realised that in so many ways, I am still an incredible idiot. Here is how it went...

"You know that I like you right?"
"huh? what? what? huh? I don't know what you are talking about! mmmmmm hahah what? haha what? ummmm...."
"I like you"
"Are you being weird cause its late, and we just spent the last 6 hours working on that paper? The night makes people weeeeiiirrrrdddd.... yeeeesssssssss"
"No, I am not being weird."
"hrummmm, mmmm, yeah, hahahahha.... K. I gotta go."

To be honest, my cognitive resources were spent from working on that paper. It was 2.15am, and we were exhausted. I went home, hit the shower, and then realised that I just called someone weird for saying that he liked me. I was disrespectful, facetious and unkind. I resolved to be better.

Today, when we were walking back from class, it happened again.

"Today, I asked our professor to share tips on how to use psychology persuasion tactics to get someone to date you."
"Haha! What? What?"
"He said to first ask her... "Will you marry me?""
"Whoa! hahaha....hahhaa....hahaha...."
"Then, ask her.... "Would you go out with me?" That's the sales technique of low-balling right there."
"Hahaha! Um. Great application of in-class theories! I wonder if our professor is great with women. What do you think?"
"Will you go out with me?"
"Um... um... haha... wow. um... no... no... I like you. You are awesome but um... you are not Christian."
"I was raised catholic, I go to a catholic school." (Sidenote: Did not know Georgetown was a catholic school)
"It's not about the religion... it's not about the religion... It's about you loving God. Do you love God? Wow. That is a really weird sounding question, see... christian to non-christian... it's hard. I am just at a really good place in my life with God right now and I don't want to jeopardise it."
"I will become Christian."
"What? No! NO!"
"What? You don't want me to become Christian?"
"No! No... I want you... God wants you to become Christian! For you! Not for me... um... but... it's not... it's not..."
"Is Christianity really the reason?"
"Yes. Yes. But."
"Then I will become Christian."
"Okay. There are two reasons. The first, as weird as it may sound, is true. I will not date non-christians. The second is that you are leaving soon."
"Do you want something long-term?"
"No. no... I just don't want to become emotionally attached to someone and have them leave my life in two months or so. It's painful.
"Okay."
"But we should hang out though! Yeah! Go to taipo market! Buy some vegetables! You can help me identify what kale looks like!"
"You don't know what kale looks like?"
"Um. I know what American kale looks like. I am sure chinese kale looks different."
"Yeah."
"Okay I gotta go prepare for my speech"
"Alright. Bye."
"If you want to come to church, I go every sunday!"

Somewhere around the entry of kale into our conversation, I actually looked into his eyes, and they looked really sad. :( I'm sad. I feel like I could have handled everything so much better. Yes, I was taken aback by his declaration, but I behaved like an idiot. I was not kind, I did not try to address his feelings, or even really think about him. I was just anxious and trying to get out of the situation unscathed. I wasn't even completely honest with him - I left out the part where I don't want to go out with him, because I just don't feel for him.

I don't understand why is it that after so many years, I still cannot handle direct declarations which require my response. It has been a deeply humbling experience. I don't really know how to make this better, or even make him feel better. Ahhh! Any suggestions?

Uncovering my "Grund"

From Milan Kundera's Immortality -

"In all languages derived from Latin, the word "reason" (ratio, raison, ragione) has a double meaning: first, it designates the ability to think, and only second, the cause. Therefore reason in the sense of a cause is always understood as something rational. A reason the rationality of which is not transparent would seem to be incapable of causing an effect. But in German, a reason in the sense of a cause is called Grund, a word having nothing to do with the Latin ratio and originally meaning "soil" and later "basis". From the viewpoint of the Latin ratio, the girl's behavior sitting down on a highway, seems absurd, inappropriate, irrational, and yet it has its reason, its basis, its ground, Grund. Such a Grund is inscribed deep in all of us, it is the ever-present cause of our actions, it is the soil from which our fate grows."

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I spent the last 2 weeks manically flinging myself from one decision to another. Grasping at any possible reason to justify my latest fixation. I was caught up in a spiral of anxiety, self-doubt and longing. Most of my nights cumulated in me either sprawled on my bed overwhelmed, or crying helplessly in front of the computer, all whilst cramming abnormal psychology diagnostic criteria into my head. I bounced from professors' offices, to bewildered friends, and to my loving parents, desperately seeking validation and guidance. With each conversation, I felt myself steered in a different direction. My mind was crippled with self-doubt fostered by my persistent insecurities, and opinions given by a multitude of people.

My spirit was breaking. One conversation in particular dealt a huge blow. Last friday, I had a 2 hour consultation with my thesis professor. When I consulted him about a possible PhD, he looked me straight in the eye, and told me that I was at the emotional maturity of my peers, and that I need more time to develop. Decoded - it means you are average, please reconsider your attempt to join the best. His words hurt. The only thing that kept me together was the knowledge that he was a man who has never seen any of my work and had previously only had one conversation with me. I am deeply humbled by the realisation that I am not ready. Hurt feelings aside, he had a point - if I want to be in that 5% that gets into a clinical psychology PhD program, I need to take more time to get properly prepared. I believe that I have the ability, now I just need to get in shape.

Coming out of that emotional whirlpool, I must confess that I have lost faith in my ability to discern the desires of my heart. I don't know where I want to go, I only know what I want to do. Even within the category of what I want to do, I am unable to truly pinpoint my research interest. After deciding on, and later abandoning a whole spectrum of possible paths, I realised that I can come up with a dozen great sounding reasons for any decision. Rationality is not going to help me choose, it is just going to justify a whole host of ever increasing possibilities.

Inspired by Kundera, I decided to abandon the rational approach and delve within my consciousness for something more basic, grounded, in his words - the soil from which my fate grows. I used intrinsic joy and the instances when my mind lit up - as ropes to draw me into my history and my future. Following the subtle tugs of the ropes, I am starting to listen to myself.

I have learnt that I am a consistent human being that is often lost in my mind's temporal fixations. The grand themes of my life have remained unchanged, and I rejoice that I am starting to uncover them. So far, I have come to two realisations.

1) I love the mind. Thoughts, feelings and behavior, they all stem from it. I love the biology of the brain. The marvel of how the decision of whether to fire or not fire - of approximately 100 billion neurons with 1000 connections with other neurons - leads to potential states numbering approximately 10 to the millionth power. Those connections, they make up our consciousness. I love brain anatomy; I think it stems from my love of jargon and big words.

2) I yearn to belong to the world. I love Singapore; I love with it a passion that burns brighter each time I return. Singapore is so beautiful, it is so efficient and special. There really is no where else on earth like Singapore. As much as I love it though, I have always been more at peace with being an anonymous stranger on a foreign street than a Singaporean, in Singapore. Perhaps I will settle in Singapore one day, but for now, I want to be out there. I have lived in 3 major asian cities; Singapore, Shanghai and Hong Kong. I think its time to move out of Asia.

My desires intimidate me. However, I take comfort in the saying below.

I am an open book, ask me anything.

Homo Hystericus

From Milan Kundera's Immortality -

"It is part of the definition of feeling that it is born in us without our will, often against our will. As soon as we want to feel (decide to feel, just as Don quixote decided to love Dulcinea), feeing is no longer feeling but an imitation of feeling, a show of feeling. This is commonly called hysteria. That's why homo sentimentalis (a person who has raised feeling to a value) is in reality identical to homo hystericus.

This is not to say that a person who imitates feeling does not feel. An actor playing the role of old King Lear stands on the stage and faces the audience full of the real sadness of betrayal, but that sadness evaporates the moment the performance is over. That is why homo sentimentalis shames us with his great feelings only to amaze us a moment later with his inexplicable indifference."

---------------------------------------------

My church back home is a mega church. Coloured lights, a 3D screen, a choir of backup singers and an arsenal of musical instruments accompany worship and praise. People speak in tongues, cry, raise their hands up to God and kneel in supplication. The air is charged with yearning, the prayers and the beats driving the energy up towards an undefined peak. At 7pm sharp, the pastor signals the musicians to stop playing, says a closing prayer and the lights come on. In the seconds it takes for our pupils to constrict and dilate, normalcy is restored.

I always feel a tinge of betrayal at 7pm on Saturday nights back home. The ability for hysteria, or religious fervor to be controlled with such precision makes me doubt the authenticity of it. It frustrates me to watch my neighbours put down their arms, wipe the tears off their face, and then offer suggestions about dinner. Borrowing Kundera's words, their great emotionality during worship shames my lack thereof, and the abrupt shift into indifference amazes me.

Kundera in the above passage has captured perfectly the ambiguity of feeling. Feeling, based on its etiology, when coloured by the force of will, changes in its composition. I do believe that for a large percentage of us, the religious fervor ignited in us during worship and praise is real. I believe that in our brains; dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine and a whole host of other neurotransmitters are firing at rates different from baseline levels. The feelings that we experience in church are real. They exist.

We go into church every Saturday or Sunday wanting to feel God’s presence. We pray at night, begging him to respond to us. Our worship leaders, our pastors, and spiritual authority want us to be touched by the Holy Spirit. We want to feel Him. There is so much desire to feel, such yearning, that it changes the substance of feeling into hysteria; the act of conscious want modifies irrevocably, the original feeling. I would not go so far to call the emotion, which arises in our bodies at the appropriate times during church - a show. It is though, an imitation; a lackluster substitute for the substance that arises in us, untouched by our will – pure feeling.

I do believe in the existence of pure feeling in worship and praise. I know that it is almost unchristian to call the desire to feel God's presence a pollutant of true feeling. However, the human desire to feel spritual fervour has a different etiology from the desire to be in God's presence. Wanting to feel a sense of transcendence is different from surrendering to god and the emotions that follow. I admit that it is difficult to draw the distinction. The intense desire to feel God's presence can easily be misdirected into a desire to feel hysteria as a means of satisfaction or cognitive dissonance. I just want pure feeling. I want to be able to remove from my emotions - my will, and the will of others. I want to squash my desire to feel for the sake of feeling. Perhaps then pure feeling ignited by God, will burst forth from my heart. 

Ironically, in this elevation of pure feeling, I am raising feeling to a value, which would make me a member of the homo hystericus.

- On a side note, I wonder what this would mean for cognitive restructuring in psychology. Everything about cognitive psychology involves reaching into our thoughts (which lead to feelings) and manipulating them to become more positive, or reinforcing. I cannot deny its good treatment outcomes. However, as anecdotal evidence form someone that practices cognitive restructuring a lot, I do feel that my manipulated emotions are similar to hysteria. There is forced quality to it, that when pushed to become real, crosses that boundary into oversaturation. I would think that for someone suffering as a result of negative cognitions, even hysteria would be better for their functioning than the genuine authentic feelings dragging them down.