Belongings

I really do not know how to pack. After moving around on my own for so long, my possessions no longer have a place in Singapore. Instead, they have attached themselves to my homes away from home. With regards to material possessions, I have literally nothing of use to me in Singapore. All the clothes that I wear, my toiletries, my camera equipment and my favorite books follow me around wherever I go.

I must admit that the above phenomenon is a result of me never spending more than a month in Singapore at a time. In Shanghai, I always had a place to stay at during the holidays. This meant that I never had to go home if that was what I wished. Here, I suddenly am faced with the prospect of 4 months at home and having to pack up all my belongings into two bags for storage. Without a place of my own overseas, I suddenly feel kind of homeless. Also, I am faced with the prospect of having to bring, under a baggage limit of 25kg, all that I need to live on for 4 months. Its insane. I don't even know if I have a place to stay should I choose to come back a couple of days earlier. To compound to that, the building that I am supposed to live in, isn't even completed.

What keeps me feeling safe and grounded while I am alone overseas has always been the knowledge that I have a tiny little space to call my own. A bed, a chair and all my lovely books waiting for me. Now, I'm adrift.

YAY!

Learnt phonetics in a night! My confidence is restored. It is true, I can do almost anything if I set my mind to it! (Okay... maybe with the exception of sports and music hahaha!)

Save me

Ever since I first watched "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", a certain line that clementine said engraved itself onto my mind. She tells Joel that "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."

To me, that line is the epitome of cool. It is ruthlessly honest, it possesses spunk, spirit and an unwavering independence. Reading this line as a teenager made me feel worldly and strong. I wanted to be in her position, to say that, to be that person. Superficially, I still relate. I am a messed up girl trying to find my own peace of mind, I still don't have the capacity to help someone else find his. Clementine's statement though, has deeper connotations than that. Those lines should apply to herself as well. What she does not want others to expect of her, she probably does not expect of others. Her peace of mind is hers to find, and not someone else's prerogative to give her.

Fast forward a couple of years, I catch myself writing a post last night that goes as follows...

"Its always startling to realise that one has been replaced.

Today, I think I saw a definite sign of that. I guess no amount of preparation or rationality can ever cushion the blow. I guess I always thought that he would be around, that solid, comforting presence in my life. With him around, I was never really afraid. He lent me the courage to pursue my dreams, patiently talked me through my moments of despair... (hey, he just called me on skype - right smack in my moment of despair)

Coming back to what I was writing... I guess it was a false alarm. Foreshadowing of what is to come?"

Who was the teenage me trying to fool? I am no Clementine. I am looking for someone that I can depend on, someone that makes me better than I am. I'm looking for someone that puts a spring in my step, someone that is the answer to all that is wrong in my life. I'm looking for someone that would as Joel said "save me". (I feel inordinately obliged to put in a god reference here and talk about how I have found that person- but I won't. On my blog at least I get to be truthful) I guess to a certain extent, what is left of teenage Alison in me is disgusted by this admission and wants to stomp around chanting "weak!". But hey, what does teenage Alison know about romantic love? =D Maybe 21 year old Alison does not know much about it too, however she does know much more about herself and her needs.

I might never find that person that can be all that I want him to be. However it is time that I acknowledge what I want. It at least brings me a step closer to getting it.

Organised religion and Choice

In Barry Schwartz "The Paradox of Choice", I came upon an extremely interesting passage detailing how choices have affected the American view of religious activities.

"Whereas most of us inherit the religious affiliations of our parents, we are remarkable free to choose exactly the "flavor" of that affiliation that suits us. We are unwilling to regard religious teachings as commandments, about which we have no choice, rather than suggestions, about which we are the ultimate arbiters. We look upon participation in a religious community as an opportunity to choose just the form of community that gives us what we want out of religion. Some of us may be seeking emotional fulfillment. Some may be seeking social connection. Some may be seeking ethical guidance and assistance with specific problems in our lives. Religious institutions then become a market for comfort, tranquility, spirituality, and ethical reflection, and we "religion consumers" shop in that market until we find what we like.

It may seem odd to talk about religious institutions in these kinds of shopping-mall terms, but I think such descriptions reflect what many people want and expect from their religious activities and affiliations. This is not surprising, given the dominance of individual choice and personal satisfaction as values in our culture. Even when people join communities of faith and expect to participate in the life of these communities and embrace (at least some of) the practices of these communities, they simultaneously expect the communities to be responsive to their needs, their tastes and their desires."

I guess this passage hit a spot with me, not merely because of its incredible accuracy, but because ever since I came to HK, I've been using "shopping for churches" as an excuse to be lazy and sleep in on Sundays. Every church that I go to is never the "perfect" one for me.

The Morningside Muse

There is this inspirational poster in my bedroom. On it, a beautiful bluish orange picture of a mountain range and a quote by G.B. Shaw. It goes as follows "People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

I have lived by this code for the past few years. "If you can't find them, make them." I believe that to get opportunities, I cannot wait for others to give them to me, I have to find a way to create a situation most conducive for opportunity seizing. I chanced upon a way of creating these situations when I was 15. I realised that if I brought new and fresh ideas to old systems/ways of doing things, I could often find people that were willing to give me a chance. Using this method, I became head girl guide, spearheaded the Singapore Young Photographers Convention, got 3 government scholarships, went to China, then Hong Kong and most recently, started The Morningside Muse.

The Morningside Muse, current bane of my life and first aid for my self esteem. It is the clearest example in my life of how my method of opportunistic creation merely serves to open doors. The MM has been an incredibly humbling and disappointing experience for me, issue after issue. Opening its pages is like confronting myself with all my leadership inadequacies and publishing idiocy. Yet, I still revel in the feel of its glossy pages and clutch desperately at the hope that the next one will be better.

The problem with the MM is its initial concept, it is supposed to be a platform for talented self expression. It was supposed to be a portal wherein youths can say what they wanted to say, to shake off apathy and showcase their talents. The concept though lofty and pretty has turned round to bite itself. Self expression means its difficult to regulate the content, an open platform means that it is difficult for me to turn away work or edit it too much. Free design means that I get 16 brightly coloured pages that are the opposite of classy and refined and unfortunately, never match. Efforts to contain feel suspiciously like suppression and in HK, that is a big no no. I am finding it immensely hard to edit when others send me articles that may be offensive as I do not know if I should be allowed to censor. Its been tough chasing after people to hand me articles as I'm starting to feel like the MM has become an obligation for the writers instead of an inspiration.

I want to make it better, but in this case, I don't know how. Maybe its time for a meeting. One of our many ineffectual meetings where 5 people turn up.

I really do not know if I should or can give up on the idea. I don't even know if the MM has any contribution whatsoever to Morningside or CUHK. One thing I do know, it does feel good every time printing day arrives. Its also great on my resume... till the day some employer reads it I guess.

Ahhhh... My pet project

I'm starting to think that I have neither the patience nor the ability to get what I want.

Ramblings

Living overseas though lonely, has its perks. Sometimes I miss a particular person so much that it feels as if I am walking with a shadow of that person by my side. The shadow accompanies me on my solitary journeys down the mountain to class, it accompanies me as I search for TV shows to fill up my nights and it smiles with me as I relieve our shared moments.

The strength gained from enduring that is the perk. The self discipline taken to overcome the pervasive quiet, to acknowledge the distance and to ignore the shadow as often as I can.

I have always liked that I have two separate worlds. One in Singapore, another overseas. I always took the utmost care to make sure that those worlds do not mix. I guess its the feeling of security I get from the knowledge that if something went wrong in one world, I could always hide in the other till things righted themselves again. Therein lies the problem with the shadow, it seems to be the only thing that can cross over. The shadow though firmly planted in one world, is empowered by my yearnings and leaves footprints all over this other world of mine. It takes away my security blanket and messes up my clean, split up frame of mind.

My sister said recently that "I could have made him happy if he just made the decision to be happy". I am perhaps more like JM than Grace. I choose to be unhappy because I know that happiness any other way is not going to be fulfilling. Is it okay to want something even if you have a deep suspicion that it won't bring you joy? Still, as long as I have time, my desires will take first priority.

FREEDOM

I just want to run away from it all! Responsibilities, ties, expectations, pressure... everything! Its horrifying that I am saying this in the 2nd week of my first semester.

Its been awhile

Hello I'm in Delaware- City and Colour

So there goes my life
Passing by with every exit sign
It's been so long
Sometimes I wonder how I will stay strong
No sleep tonight
I'll keep on driving these dark highway lines
And as the moon fades
One more night gone, only twenty more days

But I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

And there goes my life
Passing by with every departing flight
And its been so hard
So much time so far apart
And she walks the night
How many hearts will die tonight
And will things have changed
I guess I'll find out in seventeen days

But I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

My body aches,
and it hurts to sing,
and no one is moving
And I wish that I weren't here tonight,
but this is my life

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

Lessons learnt this holiday season

I have been tested and I failed. For someone that prides myself so much on self love, I failed myself. For that, I am sorry. When a door closes, another one opens. The glaring deficiencies in my character were revealed to me as I stomped on my own heart.

I will emerge more patient, loving and less self centered. I think I can finally wait. I will wait for what I want. I am willing. Its a character I will play. Meanwhile, I'll practice being unselfish, I'll practice giving and not receiving. My priorities will be set right.

I am going to be better.