Understanding God

I read something the other day, which made me think of what some of the premises a Christian life is based on. It is difficult to provide the full context of the excerpt. However it is basically said by a young intellectual who is dealt a death sentence from chronic consumption. He argues against the teachings of humility and obedience for their futility against his inevitable end.

Dostoevsky's - The Idiot

"At the same time, no matter how hard I tried, I could never imagine that there was no future life or providence. Most probably it all does exist, but we understand nothing of that future life, nor anything of the laws that govern it. But if it is so difficult, even absolutely impossible, to comprehend, how could I be held responsible for failing to makes sense of the incomprehensible? Of course they tell me, and the prince along with them, naturally, that this is where obedience comes in, one must obey without question, out of pure decorum, and for this meekness of mine I will most certainly be rewarded in the next world. We greatly demean providence if we ascribe our conceptions to it out of pique that we can't understand its workings. But then again, if it's impossible to understand, then I repeat, it is hard if we have to answer for what man is not equipped to comprehend. And if so, how am I to be judged for not being able to understand the true will and laws of providence? No, best leave religion out of this."

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As Christians we are often told of the "eternal perspective" that god has and that we as mere mortals, specks in the timeline of this universe cannot possibly comprehend God's plan. We are told to be obedient and that in his time, he will reveal what little we are ready for. So much of our lives is waiting, trying to listen, waiting and obeying, all whilst trying to plaster the giant question mark ahead with faith.

Ippolit says "if it's impossible to understand, then I repeat, it is hard if we have to answer for what man is not equipped to comprehend." To a certain extent, I do see where he is coming from. We don't know what is up ahead. It is because of this question mark that the need for words like "eternal perspective" and "in his time" exist. It is because of this question mark that we cling to faith like a lifebuoy. We are obedient, we are humble, we follow meekly, and we do all these based on what? The mystery of god's infinite plan, the rough sketch we get of providence? Despite all the lack of understanding and frenetic plastering of holes with faith, we still face judgment. Judgment for a world that we don't quite understand. Judgment for the sin that we were born into (should we choose to turn away from god), Judgment from a god that we cannot wholly comprehend.

It just seems like too much sometimes.

Wanderlust

I am so glad that I made the decision to go off to Phuket. Truth is, I just need to get away from everything for awhile. I miss being a stranger in a foreign land, the cloak of anonymity, seen as loneliness by some is a sort of comfort to me. I like wandering streets knowing that I'll never see the faces around me again.

All that said, I must admit though, the wanderlust in me has somewhat been quenched. I sense a change of heart, a pulling towards security, a stable home, a job and a family. I kind of realise that I don't want to lead a life stumbling around the world. Its not the kind of life that will bring me the most satisfaction. However, this means that there are other factors that I must take into account. I think I will soon come to the point where I have to gamble with what I personally want as opposed to what is best for stability.

Trees

I remember what it was like going down the mountain in the dark. I remember flinging myself from tree to tree, grasping blindly, ignoring the the scrapes on my fingers and the cuts on my thighs. Tree to tree, trying to stop my inevitable descent.

Its odd, but it seems to be the perfect analogy for what I have been doing.

Unconscious Behavior

I feel like we keep making the mistake of presuming that other people are fully conscious of the intentions and consequences of their own actions and words. Often, we remember what other people say, yet forget our own constructs. We try holding other people accountable to their words and yet we are never accountable to our own.

We need to stop thinking that words or actions are deliberate, because most of the time, they are not. Most of us don't even know what is it that we want, how then, are we to devise a manipulative plan to get it. But admitting this, leads to the realization that we cannot take anyone- including ourselves too seriously.

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I am tired of trying to fight battles with armies that have put down their arms and built impenetrable fortresses around their territory. I think its time I take a leaf from past experience and stop fighting the pointless fight. There is no victory in slamming oneself repeatedly against a wall.

This time, I surrender. I'll walk away. Even if it means tearing my entire stronghold from the ground.

Cappuccino

My greatest pleasure during this period of time must be the making and drinking of cappuccino. Its something about the perfectly steamed velvety and slightly caramelised milk, the swirling of the milk to lend it that beautiful gloss, the tilt of the cup and the careful pour. 50% of the time, I will manage to create a perfect little heart with the foam, the ultimate manifestation of how much love I put into that cup. I must admit though, when put into the hands of a callous customer, it causes my own heart to break a little.

A cup of cappuccino provides such comfort. The smoothness of the foam, the warmth of the milky fragrant coffee and the slight sweetness of the chocolate powder combined, create a sensation unlike any other. I wish could live in a cup of cappuccino... of course, I would have to make it myself.

与狼共舞

最近，我终于了解你所谓与狼共舞的心情。我也害怕了，但我弄不清楚敌人是谁。现在的我只能尝试用距离来争取那虚假的控制感。有时觉得为了幸福，我矛盾的一直跟自己的欲望展开斗争。

Dreams

I dreamt a strange dream last night. The details of which are beginning to fade away.

I was at the abode of a Burmese holy man with someone that I knew. The holy man made jokes that were laced with a certain quality that made me fear. There were tests, black rope bridges that culminated in hammock like swing seats where we were asked questions. I think we passed because the next scene was us sitting with the holy man at a table where there was a platter of large peeled whole oranges, smaller peeled half oranges and finally small whole green and orange ones.The holy man said that things are made more desirable when compared to others. The plates of oranges looked beautiful from afar, but upon closer inspection, they were crumbling, rotting. The holy man and my acquaintance started eating. I saw them eating the large oranges, it was as if they did not notice the worms breaking the surface. I reached for the smallest whole orange one and as I ate, a smooth green worm emerged.

没有钱你会爱我吗？

没有钱你会爱我吗？At work, I hear this at least once a day. It has come to the point where I have run out of ways to make light of that statement.

The boys I work with are young, independent creatures. Be it 19 or 25, they all have the same tale of leaving their homes to try find better paying work here in Singapore. They are cooks drawing the same hourly rate of $5.5/hour, but the crucial difference is that for me, this job is merely a sojourn into a different world but for them it is something they have to struggle to rise above.

Its odd really, the difference between them and the other young men of my acquaintance. They all think about girls, cars and gadgets, however the conversations about these are vastly different. Its not "will she like me? Shall I get an iPhone or a BB? When should I buy a car?" but its "How can I find a girl if I am so poor? How am I to buy her dinner? Will she be upset if we take the bus? Should I replace my old broken phone?" Sometimes, I find myself at a loss, I just do not know how to reply. What am I to say to "Alison, will you love me if I am poor?" The thing is, they are not asking if a girl would love them, they are asking if a girl would accept them and entrust them with her future.

I was pushed to do some self reflection upon hearing the above question over and over again. I remember the first time I answered with a "I don't think I could marry an unsuccessful man." Now, don't ask me to define success, that would be a whole different blog post. However, I wanted to swallow that sentence whole after I saw the look on the cook's face. He reacted by slapping the towel he was holding on the metal table exclaiming "how am I supposed to become successful! I am stuck working at this job 10 hours a day to make ends meet, how am I supposed to become successful!" Despite the overly personal language that seem to hint at a direct reply to me, I think he making a general statement about such affairs in his life. Now, the phrase "没有钱你会爱我吗?" has become their mantra... its played on their handphones as they cook, on the tips of their tongues when they converse and each time they say it, I feel like someone shoved a cotton wad down my throat.

I used to pride myself on not being a materialistic person. I thought that wealth was not important. My only criteria for a man was for him to love god and be intelligent. However I think the old me was never confronted with men in their position before. I was complacent and arrogant enough to completely ignore the presence of others beyond my comfort zone and thus stupid enough to make self satisfied proclamations about not caring about money. I struggle with my ideas of inequality, with my just discovered materialism and my prejudices.

After watching Jane Eyre the other day, something struck me during the epic dialogue between her and Rochester.

"Do you think I am an automaton? ­ a machine without feelings?...Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong — I have as much soul as you, — and full as much heart...I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh; — it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God's feet, equal, — as we are"

It was not the romance of the latter words that tugged at my heartstrings but the sentence "Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong — I have as much soul as you, — and full as much heart" Who am I to disregard someone because of their social status, success or money making ability. Is my heart ruled by elitism? The romantic love that I can have for a man, does it come dangling with requirements, sculpted by my socio-economic class? If so, then is that kind of elitist love true and proper?

Mental Health

Psychology best sellers always claim to know the secret source to all our problems. We often find out after hours spent re-examining our thought processes, that a large percentage of our problems stem from a mixture of unrealistic expectations and cognitive discrepancies. Their solution? Learn that our minds are limited and dismiss the assumption that we are the exception rather than the rule.

I used to think that these authors were equipping us with the tools to achieve happiness, or at least get the ability to understand our emotions in a more scientific manner. However, I finally realise that the ultimate goal for many of these authors is mental health. I think it is now important for me to understand the importance of mental health, and its relationship with the more philosophical interpretation of happiness.