Fear

For me, fear is being in a dull white room. Surrounded by an impenetrable maze of sharp, amazingly fine fibers. I can't help inhaling but when I inhale, it all goes in. I choke suffocate but still, I keep on inhaling choking inhaling.

Today, I sat at the table and existed in that room.

My Silver Shimmer

I've always had a firm belief that even though I wasn't one of the golden people in life, I was a shimmering silver star in my own right. I shone with a determined glow, a glow that intelligence and ambition recognised.

These days however, I feel as if the glow is getting steadily snuffed. I was a child and a teenager with much potential, I coasted along on it and grew in complacency. Now however at the brink of adulthood I'm starting to realise that potential can only take me thus far and instead substance has to make itself known. People no longer look at me and search for what can be, instead they expect to see what should already be there.

The past few jobs or endeavors that I've undertaken have left me feeling short at best. I don't seem to possess the substance to succeed as an adult. Perhaps I have to start over, learning my limits and trying not to be impeded by them. Maybe I've finally learnt humility. Either or, its a hard lesson to stomach.

Application issues

Got my academic referee! PTL!

Its late. Ann is gone.

The end of an era

I am no longer a scholar.
I am no longer an undergrad in Fudan.
I am no longer exclusive with Gerald.
I am no longer a new christian.
I am no longer a teenager.

I wonder if I am moving forward or backward...

The possibility of a different sort of life

Today a good friend of mine reminded me about a pair of high school sweethearts I used to hang out with.

He said that when someone asked the female counterpart about what she wanted to do later in life, she said... "Marry Male counterpart". Such an amazingly secure life they both have. They are currently in university studying to be professionals, assured of financial comfort and emotional success.

It made me reflect on my situation. I'm in Shanghai, my future uncertain and uncomfortable. My poverty has resulted in 1 or 2 meals a day (Bread and cheese for several meals when I really am broke). My future destination is riding on whether or not I get a scholarship from Hong Kong. It’s a scary life. I have about 3 continents between my guy and I. Uncertain professional life, uncertain love life, and a distant idea of home. But … I chose this life. I don’t think I can be fulfilled by anything less than this.

I worry about losing my youth, my talent, my potential. I worry that my brain isn't getting the stimulus it needs.

Its human to dream of different possibilities, I guess that's why I like the Parallel Universe Theory so much.

A spiritual calling

I feel like I'm always clutching at straws, trying to feed the various needs that I have.

Christians term that gaping hole we have within us the "God-shaped hole". They say that the emptiness we feel so poignantly can only be filled by god. Perhaps that is true. I guess for non Christians they would rather not call it a god-shaped hole. I believe its a spiritual calling.

As human beings we are always trying to paint the colours of the wind, to attain deep satisfaction from a cup of coffee, to feel something buried in the core of us. Something we cannot grasp physically but we just know exists, that search, that is what makes us different from animals. We turn to religion, to music, to literature in search for that spirituality. Some surface seemingly contented, others bubble with dissatisfaction and pronounced yearning.

Spiritual beings... I like that we are spiritual beings.

I love you!

These days I have an irresistible urge to say "I love you" to quite a number of people.
I wish I could... all the time, incessantly. But people would become desensitized to my "I love yous" and slowly regard them as a greeting or an Alison anomaly.

Therefore, thank you Sam! I get to click on a simple button to tell you "I love you"!!!!! every time I read your blog =D

希望我眨眼，能感动你视线

The figure

The figure danced down the straight expanse of concrete. Her body writhing, twisting and bouncing. Her limbs angular, popping and lashing. The pulsating beat visible in her every movement. Her feet pounded against the ground, her hair swirled and flew. She looked odd, freakish yet her oblivion so entrancing. What tune played in her head, what beat controlled her body?