Initiating Change

Initiating Change – Alison’s Work/Study Issue

As someone training to become an HR consultant, I have learnt that before any change can be initiated, it is vital to do a forcefield/stakeholder analysis. Learn who are the stakeholders - who is for, who is against, who has the power, and what is their sphere of influence. 

1) Find Change Agents at every level

2) Communicate objectives and expectations to every party involved

3) Ensure two-way communication so as to Get Feedback and Understand Resistance

Objectives:

1) Continue career development throughout grad school - Gain expertise in conceptual work and consulting work

2) Get paid enough to live and save a little, so as to pay off my tuition loans. 

Situation:

Currently working in the HK APAC office. Going to grad school in NY this September. Arranging for me to transfer to the German office so as to reach my objectives. Germany will allow me to work remotely.

Germany is structured differently from HK. Each team is led by a team leader and is responsible for only one type of product/service. In HK, everyone is a generalist. Therein lies several constraints:

1. Each team works separately from others
2. Learning will be limited to the product/service offered
3. Since teams are limited, work for me will also be limited
4. I have only 3 months to be physically present in Germany

Other issues – Working Remotely:

1.  Only development in conceptual work
2. How to get development in consulting work?

Plan to Meet my Objectives: Work for 2 teams, open doors for consulting opportunities

Monday and Tuesday: Team 1

Wednesday and Thursday: Team 2

Friday: Shadow CEO

Problem:

1) Stakeholder Analysis

Stakeholders: CEO, COO, HR, Team Leaders concerned (B.L Questionnaires, Mig AC, Mik Trainings), people who care about keeping me engaged (G)

Pro: Grace, Bastian - Questionnaires

Pro-Neutral: CEO

Neutral: COO, HR, Miguel AC, Mike Trainings

2) Change Agents - How to Influence (Is there a need to do Needs Analysis?)

(Ranked in terms of priority)

CEO: What are his needs? 

• Talents - committed to vision, loyal, capable - quality and quantity
• Organizational Fairness - perception
• He wants GROWTH - how do I give him that?

Influence: 

1. Talents - me (show via actions - Find out how! Shadowing?)
2. Protect Org. fairness - get team leader buy in
3. Growth - San Fran office? Get agreement from Chad

COO: What are his needs?

• Streamline and tidy up operations 
• Get a global system going - clean it up
• Organizational fairness
• Value for Money

Influence: 

1. Operations - not sure. Guinea pig for payment with services method?
2. Protect Org. fairness - get team leader buy in, Show data on cost of living difference in NY VS. Bamberg? (http://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/compare_cities.jsp?country1=United+States&country2=Germany&city1=New+York%2C+NY&city2=Nuremberg)
3. Value: I do not know how to show this to Dirk

Miguel AC and Mike Trainings: 

• Need to deliver high quality work on time
• Favour with CEO?
• Reliable, capable talent

Influence:

1. Work and Talent: Send samples of work that I have already done, Commit to doing what it takes - working on weekends if needed, Pull in references from G and T if needed
2. Favour: Get CEO's backing

HR: Needs this to be as easy and as fuss-free as possible. (overworked)

Influence:

1. Hammer out all details before approaching HR with comprehensive list

3) Plan

Details:

Bottom up approach:

• By 4/4: 1) Gain buy-in from Miguel 2) Gain buy-in from Mike 3) Deal with B.L (method stated above - influence TL)
• By 15/4: Gain buy-in from CEO; communicate objectives and expectations. Get Feedback and Understand Resistance: adjust plan accordingly
• May: Get Feedback and Understand Resistance: SHOW work capability, build relationships, adjust plan accordingly
• June: NY plan - influence COO and HR - capitalize on May

31 July 2013

It is safe to say that I am in a new stage of my life. I am re-thinking the priorities in my life, and learning more about what I can handle.

As with most young adults, I have had a number of turning points in my life. The first time Brandon recognised the potential of my sulky underachieving teenage butt and gave me a leadership position, the time I decided that I had to get a scholarship to go overseas, becoming head girl guide, joining NYAA and subsequently PAYM, meeting Ken and Oliver in Russia - people that became great mentors and motivators in my life, getting the STB scholarship and going to China when I was 18, meeting amazing people like Gerald that helped me realise that I can pave my way in life without leaning on the government, breaking my bond, coming to HK, and now...

31 July 2013

I would like to forever remember this date. I see it as the cumulation of all the turning points of my life. On the 31st of July, I moved out of my college dorm and my cushy scholarship padded life into the real world. 

With all my possessions in HK, I stepped into a dimly lit, green living room. Straight ahead of me, was a cluttered table with two computers on it and two green chairs jostling for space next to it. Deeper into the corridor two wardrobes blocked the entrances of the toilet and kitchen. On my left, a tower of filled plastic boxes, three luggages and wooden planks leaning haphazardly against the wall. On my right, a bunk bed with curtains sticking out, the narrowest passage way and two mismatched wardrobes. Like confetti, the floor was littered with cable ties, plastic wrappers and tools. I look ahead to see my landlord in the midst of all the crap, telling me that the wardrobe has not arrived, and he has not built the bed yet. A sinking feeling started making itself known in the pit of my stomach as I gazed around the cramped living room and realised that where my bunk bed was supposed to be, there was already another against the wall.

“Cody, where is my bed going to be?” “Here, right here!” He motions to the area perpendicular to the other bed. “How is it going to fit? The bed is too long.” “No, no it’s fine, it will fit, don’t worry!”… (I went back that afternoon to see my bed sticking out into the corridor, partially blocking the way to the kitchen and bathroom)

That night during dinner at Ikea with JY and Cindy, still unsure if my bed is even built, we started talking about the honors results released that morning. JY and Cindy were despairing about their honors, and I suddenly had an epiphany. Sure, I got a first class. It was all that I had ever wanted for the past three years; I worked my butt off for it, obsessed over it and thought that it would change my life. There I was, sitting in Ikea with two of my friends who didn’t get first class honors, but had their own rooms to live in. I finally understood what all the big shots meant when they said that university merely gives you a piece of paper. It was quite bittersweet to realise that at the end of the day, all that I valued, did not seem to matter in a world that uses a currency I don't quite have enough of.

To cut an unnecessarily long story short, by the end of the night, I found myself in my new home. Three bunk beds, three wardrobes squeezed in a living room that was HK sized. Whenever I needed to walk anywhere in the house, I had to turn sideways and crabwalk. At least everyone is nice; there is a lot of waiting at junctions for someone to crabwalk out before one crabwalks in. I slept the first night without curtains on my bunk bed and no earplugs.

Okay, I exaggerated when I said that I “slept”. Woke up the next morning, skyped Jason and started crying as I talked. I was overwhelmed, my nerves rubbed raw and generally depressed.

Four nights in, I have pretty much adapted to the place. I set up a system in my bunk bed with areas for hanging my ear plugs and eye mask, electrical cords extend to my bed, a hanging lamp, I’ve got a curtain, and I am even getting used to the swaying motion of my bed as people bump into it on the way in/out of the kitchen/bathroom area. I have even managed to do work in my bed during the last two nights. For now, the new bed is called “THE BAT CAVE”.

I think I will be all right.

B

I dreamt of B today. I woke up from the dry, shallow inhalations that were my body's attempt to breathe through the weight.

We were laughing helplessly at each other's antics. I was angry, petulant in the beginning. However he lost his balance and was falling over me, and I punched his balls by mistake. It was a riot.

So blasé about the butt

In Literally by Antonya Nelson 

“Do you know there’s a second part to that expression? The ‘retentive’ part?” his father asked. “It’s amazing how comfortable people are tossing that around—‘anal retentive.’ People are very casual with the psychology. So blasé about the butt.”

The Highly Sensitive Person

Over the years, I have noticed things about myself that have baffled and confused me. 

A simple situation such as a conversation with an authoritative figure, or a prayer meeting would cause my heart to beat faster, my skin to feel tight and pressure to build up in my head. Whenever I travel with friends or when friends come to visit me for longer than a day or two, I wind up getting very irritable, tired and sensitive. Being in situations wherein I am surrounded by people that I do not know and trust can give me a tension headache. I need more time in bed than the average person. I get deeply affected by other people's moods and emotions. I am intolerant of pain and barely tolerant of hunger. My moods and level of alertness are strongly affected by light, sound and temperature. I am often anxious, tension filled and highly susceptible to stress. I often get pushed to the point where I need spend days in bed, windows drawn, alone. During periods of stress, I cannot even bring myself to acknowledge my roommate's presence.

I used to toy with the idea that perhaps I was depressed, or had an anxiety disorder. However, I knew that my self-diagnosis was wrong. Today, I was reading up about Introverts (which I also decided that I was), when I chanced upon the highly sensitive trait, also known as high sensory-processing sensitivity. Everything fell into place. 

I now know why I am, how I am.

I am a Highly Sensitive Person. A HSP is highly aroused by new or prolonged stimulation, strongly reactive to external stimuli like noise and light, susceptible to stress-related and psychosomatic illnesses. HSPs are more easily overwhelmed. They are deeply affected by other people's moods and emotions and more aware of subtleties. They are highly intuitive, able to concentrate deeply, right brained and less liner than non-HSPs; they are highly conscientious and excellent at spotting and avoiding errors.

According to Dr. Elaine Aron who pioneered research on HSPs, 'HSPs have an uncommonly sensitive nervous system. Sensitivity is an inherited trait, that tends to be a disadvantage only at high levels of stimulation. Everything is magnified for HSPs. What is moderately arousing for most people is highly arousing for the HSP, and what is highly arousing for others is off the charts for the HSPs, who reach a shutdown point once they attain a certain arousal level.'

For me personally, the most enlightening feature of HSPs, is that HSPs process information differently from non-HSPs; HSPs process information more deeply. I have always been accused of 'thinking too much', 'being in my head', 'worrying too much' and 'overanalysing'. My roommate even has a nickname for me called '多多' because she thinks that I think too much. I have always felt criticised and shamed for thinking the way I do. Now, I know that it is natural for me to analyse and ponder. It is how my brain is wired. I go inwards. 

I could go on and on about what I have learned. For tonight though, suffice to say, I feel like I understand myself a little bit better.

To Stand and Stare

William Henry Davies - Leisure

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this is if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

Stress

I woke up today with the most ferocious tension headache. I worry that the stress is starting to overwhelm my body. My body feels like a wound up spring, coiled tight, vibrating from the tension. This needs to go. 

Uncertain Evils

A little poetry for an anxious time.

From John Milton's Cormus -

Peace, Brother; be not over-exquisite
To cast the fashion of uncertain evils:
For grant they be so, while they rest unknown,
What need a man forestall his date of grief,
And run to meet what he would most avoid?

I am an idiot

I was not kind in the past 24 hours.

On my 23rd birthday, I spent quite a bit of time reflecting upon the upheavals and dramatic changes of my 22nd year. I felt that I had reached a new level of maturity, and I was glad.

Yesterday night, when a boy told me that he liked me, I realised that in so many ways, I am still an incredible idiot. Here is how it went...

"You know that I like you right?"
"huh? what? what? huh? I don't know what you are talking about! mmmmmm hahah what? haha what? ummmm...."
"I like you"
"Are you being weird cause its late, and we just spent the last 6 hours working on that paper? The night makes people weeeeiiirrrrdddd.... yeeeesssssssss"
"No, I am not being weird."
"hrummmm, mmmm, yeah, hahahahha.... K. I gotta go."

To be honest, my cognitive resources were spent from working on that paper. It was 2.15am, and we were exhausted. I went home, hit the shower, and then realised that I just called someone weird for saying that he liked me. I was disrespectful, facetious and unkind. I resolved to be better.

Today, when we were walking back from class, it happened again.

"Today, I asked our professor to share tips on how to use psychology persuasion tactics to get someone to date you."
"Haha! What? What?"
"He said to first ask her... "Will you marry me?""
"Whoa! hahaha....hahhaa....hahaha...."
"Then, ask her.... "Would you go out with me?" That's the sales technique of low-balling right there."
"Hahaha! Um. Great application of in-class theories! I wonder if our professor is great with women. What do you think?"
"Will you go out with me?"
"Um... um... haha... wow. um... no... no... I like you. You are awesome but um... you are not Christian."
"I was raised catholic, I go to a catholic school." (Sidenote: Did not know Georgetown was a catholic school)
"It's not about the religion... it's not about the religion... It's about you loving God. Do you love God? Wow. That is a really weird sounding question, see... christian to non-christian... it's hard. I am just at a really good place in my life with God right now and I don't want to jeopardise it."
"I will become Christian."
"What? No! NO!"
"What? You don't want me to become Christian?"
"No! No... I want you... God wants you to become Christian! For you! Not for me... um... but... it's not... it's not..."
"Is Christianity really the reason?"
"Yes. Yes. But."
"Then I will become Christian."
"Okay. There are two reasons. The first, as weird as it may sound, is true. I will not date non-christians. The second is that you are leaving soon."
"Do you want something long-term?"
"No. no... I just don't want to become emotionally attached to someone and have them leave my life in two months or so. It's painful.
"Okay."
"But we should hang out though! Yeah! Go to taipo market! Buy some vegetables! You can help me identify what kale looks like!"
"You don't know what kale looks like?"
"Um. I know what American kale looks like. I am sure chinese kale looks different."
"Yeah."
"Okay I gotta go prepare for my speech"
"Alright. Bye."
"If you want to come to church, I go every sunday!"

Somewhere around the entry of kale into our conversation, I actually looked into his eyes, and they looked really sad. :( I'm sad. I feel like I could have handled everything so much better. Yes, I was taken aback by his declaration, but I behaved like an idiot. I was not kind, I did not try to address his feelings, or even really think about him. I was just anxious and trying to get out of the situation unscathed. I wasn't even completely honest with him - I left out the part where I don't want to go out with him, because I just don't feel for him.

I don't understand why is it that after so many years, I still cannot handle direct declarations which require my response. It has been a deeply humbling experience. I don't really know how to make this better, or even make him feel better. Ahhh! Any suggestions?

Uncovering my "Grund"

From Milan Kundera's Immortality -

"In all languages derived from Latin, the word "reason" (ratio, raison, ragione) has a double meaning: first, it designates the ability to think, and only second, the cause. Therefore reason in the sense of a cause is always understood as something rational. A reason the rationality of which is not transparent would seem to be incapable of causing an effect. But in German, a reason in the sense of a cause is called Grund, a word having nothing to do with the Latin ratio and originally meaning "soil" and later "basis". From the viewpoint of the Latin ratio, the girl's behavior sitting down on a highway, seems absurd, inappropriate, irrational, and yet it has its reason, its basis, its ground, Grund. Such a Grund is inscribed deep in all of us, it is the ever-present cause of our actions, it is the soil from which our fate grows."

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I spent the last 2 weeks manically flinging myself from one decision to another. Grasping at any possible reason to justify my latest fixation. I was caught up in a spiral of anxiety, self-doubt and longing. Most of my nights cumulated in me either sprawled on my bed overwhelmed, or crying helplessly in front of the computer, all whilst cramming abnormal psychology diagnostic criteria into my head. I bounced from professors' offices, to bewildered friends, and to my loving parents, desperately seeking validation and guidance. With each conversation, I felt myself steered in a different direction. My mind was crippled with self-doubt fostered by my persistent insecurities, and opinions given by a multitude of people.

My spirit was breaking. One conversation in particular dealt a huge blow. Last friday, I had a 2 hour consultation with my thesis professor. When I consulted him about a possible PhD, he looked me straight in the eye, and told me that I was at the emotional maturity of my peers, and that I need more time to develop. Decoded - it means you are average, please reconsider your attempt to join the best. His words hurt. The only thing that kept me together was the knowledge that he was a man who has never seen any of my work and had previously only had one conversation with me. I am deeply humbled by the realisation that I am not ready. Hurt feelings aside, he had a point - if I want to be in that 5% that gets into a clinical psychology PhD program, I need to take more time to get properly prepared. I believe that I have the ability, now I just need to get in shape.

Coming out of that emotional whirlpool, I must confess that I have lost faith in my ability to discern the desires of my heart. I don't know where I want to go, I only know what I want to do. Even within the category of what I want to do, I am unable to truly pinpoint my research interest. After deciding on, and later abandoning a whole spectrum of possible paths, I realised that I can come up with a dozen great sounding reasons for any decision. Rationality is not going to help me choose, it is just going to justify a whole host of ever increasing possibilities.

Inspired by Kundera, I decided to abandon the rational approach and delve within my consciousness for something more basic, grounded, in his words - the soil from which my fate grows. I used intrinsic joy and the instances when my mind lit up - as ropes to draw me into my history and my future. Following the subtle tugs of the ropes, I am starting to listen to myself.

I have learnt that I am a consistent human being that is often lost in my mind's temporal fixations. The grand themes of my life have remained unchanged, and I rejoice that I am starting to uncover them. So far, I have come to two realisations.

1) I love the mind. Thoughts, feelings and behavior, they all stem from it. I love the biology of the brain. The marvel of how the decision of whether to fire or not fire - of approximately 100 billion neurons with 1000 connections with other neurons - leads to potential states numbering approximately 10 to the millionth power. Those connections, they make up our consciousness. I love brain anatomy; I think it stems from my love of jargon and big words.

2) I yearn to belong to the world. I love Singapore; I love with it a passion that burns brighter each time I return. Singapore is so beautiful, it is so efficient and special. There really is no where else on earth like Singapore. As much as I love it though, I have always been more at peace with being an anonymous stranger on a foreign street than a Singaporean, in Singapore. Perhaps I will settle in Singapore one day, but for now, I want to be out there. I have lived in 3 major asian cities; Singapore, Shanghai and Hong Kong. I think its time to move out of Asia.

My desires intimidate me. However, I take comfort in the saying below.