Self-love

"He had learned from the first Book of Zoroaster, that Self-love is like a Bladder full blown, which when once prick'd, discharges a kind of petty tempest."
--- From Zadig/Or, The Book of Fate by Voltaire

Self-love, Conceit, Narcissism, Egotism, Pride, I have an excess of it all, whatever its form, however it clothes itself. If one could build a self-concept upon love of the identity itself, I have probably already done so. I, not surprisingly, have an incredible relationship with my ego. Many have tried to pry us apart to little avail; my mother, the church, god and my various setbacks being the most prominent assailants. The beast though, is like a hardy Mesquite tree, its roots spread far and reach deep, ensuring sustenance even in the most arid of conditions.

It is a greedy, hardy creature. To safeguard itself, it has erected wall upon wall around the softer parts of me, denying connection in the name of protection. In preventing risk and harm, it also keeps out reward and reciprocation. The beast is petty indeed, look at it clutching its little possessions to its chest, building a fortress, terrified of intruders, for fear that it might just have to share.

Aphotic Rendezvous

I found this quote on dictionary.com

"I sat curled up on the sofa, trapped in the dream from which I had begun to awaken, but still lost in the reminiscence of our aphotic rendezvous."
-- Žakalin Nežić, Goodbye Serbia

Firstly, I feel like I have to read Goodbye Serbia now. Secondly, I cannot help but wonder how an "aphotic rendezvous" would feel. Better yet, I wonder if I have already experienced the likes of it.

On a side note, there was a line on Gossip Girl the other day that had me chuckling. (I know... Gossip Girl... forgive my simple pleasures)

Diana: "I am a woman who has lived, of course I have secrets."

Parting with Dignity

One would think that after all the partings that I have had to participate in, I would be way better at managing them now. I have a set of rules that allow me to keep a dignified face when saying goodbye. (At least I am deluded enough to imagine I can keep to them.)

1) Never grasp at straws, or if another analogy is preferred, do not indulge in the last breath before death. (Extra time is useless, it just prolongs what is inevitably going to happen.)

2) Always acknowledge to the other person that you might see each other again, whilst silently repeating to yourself that the world is small, but it isn't that small. (Kill all hope.)

3) Try to stay away from parting situations near transportation. It always feels too final and desperate. Always say goodbye several hours before, so that you can experience all the building anxiety safely away from the person that is leaving. (Do not build on what is already unpleasant.)