Thursday, January 21, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The end of an era
I am no longer a scholar.
I am no longer an undergrad in Fudan.
I am no longer exclusive with Gerald.
I am no longer a new christian.
I am no longer a teenager.
I wonder if I am moving forward or backward...
I am no longer an undergrad in Fudan.
I am no longer exclusive with Gerald.
I am no longer a new christian.
I am no longer a teenager.
I wonder if I am moving forward or backward...
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The possibility of a different sort of life
Today a good friend of mine reminded me about a pair of high school sweethearts I used to hang out with.
He said that when someone asked the female counterpart about what she wanted to do later in life, she said... "Marry Male counterpart". Such an amazingly secure life they both have. They are currently in university studying to be professionals, assured of financial comfort and emotional success.
It made me reflect on my situation. I'm in Shanghai, my future uncertain and uncomfortable. My poverty has resulted in 1 or 2 meals a day (Bread and cheese for several meals when I really am broke), working part time at a café in a job that pays below minimum wage. My future destination is riding on whether or not I get a scholarship from Hong Kong. It’s a scary life. I have about 3 continents between my guy and I. Uncertain professional life, uncertain love life, and a distant idea of home. But … I chose this life. I don’t think I can be fulfilled by anything less than this.
I worry about losing my youth, my talent, my potential. I worry that my brain isn't getting the stimulus it needs.
Its human to dream of different possibilities, I guess that's why I like the Parallel Universe Theory so much.
He said that when someone asked the female counterpart about what she wanted to do later in life, she said... "Marry Male counterpart". Such an amazingly secure life they both have. They are currently in university studying to be professionals, assured of financial comfort and emotional success.
It made me reflect on my situation. I'm in Shanghai, my future uncertain and uncomfortable. My poverty has resulted in 1 or 2 meals a day (Bread and cheese for several meals when I really am broke), working part time at a café in a job that pays below minimum wage. My future destination is riding on whether or not I get a scholarship from Hong Kong. It’s a scary life. I have about 3 continents between my guy and I. Uncertain professional life, uncertain love life, and a distant idea of home. But … I chose this life. I don’t think I can be fulfilled by anything less than this.
I worry about losing my youth, my talent, my potential. I worry that my brain isn't getting the stimulus it needs.
Its human to dream of different possibilities, I guess that's why I like the Parallel Universe Theory so much.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
A spiritual calling
I feel like I'm always clutching at straws, trying to feed the various needs that I have.
Christians term that gaping hole we have within us the "God-shaped hole". They say that the emptiness we feel so poignantly can only be filled by god. Perhaps that is true. I guess for non Christians they would rather not call it a god-shaped hole. I believe its a spiritual calling.
As human beings we are always trying to paint the colours of the wind, to attain deep satisfaction from a cup of coffee, to feel something buried in the core of us. Something we cannot grasp physically but we just know exists, that search, that is what makes us different from animals. We turn to religion, to music, to literature in search for that spirituality. Some surface seemingly contented, others bubble with dissatisfaction and pronounced yearning.
Spiritual beings... I like that we are spiritual beings.
Christians term that gaping hole we have within us the "God-shaped hole". They say that the emptiness we feel so poignantly can only be filled by god. Perhaps that is true. I guess for non Christians they would rather not call it a god-shaped hole. I believe its a spiritual calling.
As human beings we are always trying to paint the colours of the wind, to attain deep satisfaction from a cup of coffee, to feel something buried in the core of us. Something we cannot grasp physically but we just know exists, that search, that is what makes us different from animals. We turn to religion, to music, to literature in search for that spirituality. Some surface seemingly contented, others bubble with dissatisfaction and pronounced yearning.
Spiritual beings... I like that we are spiritual beings.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I love you!
These days I have an irresistible urge to say "I love you" to quite a number of people.
I wish I could... all the time, incessantly. But people would become desensitized to my "I love yous" and slowly regard them as a greeting or an Alison anomaly.
Therefore, thank you Sam! I get to click on a simple button to tell you "I love you"!!!!! every time I read your blog =D
I wish I could... all the time, incessantly. But people would become desensitized to my "I love yous" and slowly regard them as a greeting or an Alison anomaly.
Therefore, thank you Sam! I get to click on a simple button to tell you "I love you"!!!!! every time I read your blog =D
Friday, December 18, 2009
The figure
The figure danced down the straight expanse of concrete. Her body writhing, twisting and bouncing. Her limbs angular, popping and lashing. The pulsating beat visible in her every movement. Her feet pounded against the ground, her hair swirled and flew. She looked odd, freakish yet her oblivion so entrancing. What tune played in her head, what beat controlled her body?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tabs and the splitting of them
On a note about boy girl issues, I've been with men that split with the tab with me, I've met men that always insisted on paying, men that had ninja paying skills, men that made me pay. I know if we look at it superficially, social construct demands we appreciate the men that do pay for us.
However when we factor in age and current status, a lot of men that do pay, pay with money given to them by their parents. How about someone that goes dutch with you simply because they cannot afford it. Someone whose money comes from their own pocket and not their parent's?
Which one should we appreciate better? The one that expresses generosity, enabled by external sources of income? Or the one that does what he can, given his own limited resources?
I would not be short sighted. I better appreciate a guy that earns his own keep at an early age than a guy dependent on his parents.
P.S. This discussion is about character not material substance.
However when we factor in age and current status, a lot of men that do pay, pay with money given to them by their parents. How about someone that goes dutch with you simply because they cannot afford it. Someone whose money comes from their own pocket and not their parent's?
Which one should we appreciate better? The one that expresses generosity, enabled by external sources of income? Or the one that does what he can, given his own limited resources?
I would not be short sighted. I better appreciate a guy that earns his own keep at an early age than a guy dependent on his parents.
P.S. This discussion is about character not material substance.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Strangers
I looked around me and I realized that I was surrounded by strangers. People that I barely know, people that I cannot depend on. Its a strange feeling being around strangers all the time. Its like a slow displacement... a gradual fading away. I feel like I have exchanged my roots for something that is starting to seem unworthy. I always thought I was made for greater things, made to see the world. What is the reality of being out in the world? Uncertainty, doubt, strangers, foreign landscapes. How long can I live like this? Can I bear to look yet another stranger in the eye?
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