I woke up today with the most ferocious tension headache. I worry that the stress is starting to overwhelm my body. My body feels like a wound up spring, coiled tight, vibrating from the tension. This needs to go.
Friday 23 November 2012
Thursday 22 November 2012
Uncertain Evils
A little poetry for an anxious time.
From John Milton's Cormus -
Peace, Brother; be not over-exquisite
To cast the fashion of uncertain evils:
For grant they be so, while they rest unknown,
What need a man forestall his date of grief,
And run to meet what he would most avoid?
From John Milton's Cormus -
Peace, Brother; be not over-exquisite
To cast the fashion of uncertain evils:
For grant they be so, while they rest unknown,
What need a man forestall his date of grief,
And run to meet what he would most avoid?
Wednesday 14 November 2012
I am an idiot
I was not kind in the past 24 hours.
On my 23rd birthday, I spent quite a bit of time reflecting upon the upheavals and dramatic changes of my 22nd year. I felt that I had reached a new level of maturity, and I was glad.
Yesterday night, when a boy told me that he liked me, I realised that in so many ways, I am still an incredible idiot. Here is how it went...
"You know that I like you right?"
"huh? what? what? huh? I don't know what you are talking about! mmmmmm hahah what? haha what? ummmm...."
"I like you"
"Are you being weird cause its late, and we just spent the last 6 hours working on that paper? The night makes people weeeeiiirrrrdddd.... yeeeesssssssss"
"No, I am not being weird."
"hrummmm, mmmm, yeah, hahahahha.... K. I gotta go."
To be honest, my cognitive resources were spent from working on that paper. It was 2.15am, and we were exhausted. I went home, hit the shower, and then realised that I just called someone weird for saying that he liked me. I was disrespectful, facetious and unkind. I resolved to be better.
Today, when we were walking back from class, it happened again.
"Today, I asked our professor to share tips on how to use psychology persuasion tactics to get someone to date you."
"Haha! What? What?"
"He said to first ask her... "Will you marry me?""
"Whoa! hahaha....hahhaa....hahaha...."
"Then, ask her.... "Would you go out with me?" That's the sales technique of low-balling right there."
"Hahaha! Um. Great application of in-class theories! I wonder if our professor is great with women. What do you think?"
"Will you go out with me?"
"Um... um... haha... wow. um... no... no... I like you. You are awesome but um... you are not Christian."
"I was raised catholic, I go to a catholic school." (Sidenote: Did not know Georgetown was a catholic school)
"It's not about the religion... it's not about the religion... It's about you loving God. Do you love God? Wow. That is a really weird sounding question, see... christian to non-christian... it's hard. I am just at a really good place in my life with God right now and I don't want to jeopardise it."
"I will become Christian."
"What? No! NO!"
"What? You don't want me to become Christian?"
"No! No... I want you... God wants you to become Christian! For you! Not for me... um... but... it's not... it's not..."
"Is Christianity really the reason?"
"Yes. Yes. But."
"Then I will become Christian."
"Okay. There are two reasons. The first, as weird as it may sound, is true. I will not date non-christians. The second is that you are leaving soon."
"Do you want something long-term?"
"No. no... I just don't want to become emotionally attached to someone and have them leave my life in two months or so. It's painful.
"Okay."
"But we should hang out though! Yeah! Go to taipo market! Buy some vegetables! You can help me identify what kale looks like!"
"You don't know what kale looks like?"
"Um. I know what American kale looks like. I am sure chinese kale looks different."
"Yeah."
"Okay I gotta go prepare for my speech"
"Alright. Bye."
"If you want to come to church, I go every sunday!"
Somewhere around the entry of kale into our conversation, I actually looked into his eyes, and they looked really sad. :( I'm sad. I feel like I could have handled everything so much better. Yes, I was taken aback by his declaration, but I behaved like an idiot. I was not kind, I did not try to address his feelings, or even really think about him. I was just anxious and trying to get out of the situation unscathed. I wasn't even completely honest with him - I left out the part where I don't want to go out with him, because I just don't feel for him.
I don't understand why is it that after so many years, I still cannot handle direct declarations which require my response. It has been a deeply humbling experience. I don't really know how to make this better, or even make him feel better. Ahhh! Any suggestions?
On my 23rd birthday, I spent quite a bit of time reflecting upon the upheavals and dramatic changes of my 22nd year. I felt that I had reached a new level of maturity, and I was glad.
Yesterday night, when a boy told me that he liked me, I realised that in so many ways, I am still an incredible idiot. Here is how it went...
"You know that I like you right?"
"huh? what? what? huh? I don't know what you are talking about! mmmmmm hahah what? haha what? ummmm...."
"I like you"
"Are you being weird cause its late, and we just spent the last 6 hours working on that paper? The night makes people weeeeiiirrrrdddd.... yeeeesssssssss"
"No, I am not being weird."
"hrummmm, mmmm, yeah, hahahahha.... K. I gotta go."
To be honest, my cognitive resources were spent from working on that paper. It was 2.15am, and we were exhausted. I went home, hit the shower, and then realised that I just called someone weird for saying that he liked me. I was disrespectful, facetious and unkind. I resolved to be better.
Today, when we were walking back from class, it happened again.
"Today, I asked our professor to share tips on how to use psychology persuasion tactics to get someone to date you."
"Haha! What? What?"
"He said to first ask her... "Will you marry me?""
"Whoa! hahaha....hahhaa....hahaha...."
"Then, ask her.... "Would you go out with me?" That's the sales technique of low-balling right there."
"Hahaha! Um. Great application of in-class theories! I wonder if our professor is great with women. What do you think?"
"Will you go out with me?"
"Um... um... haha... wow. um... no... no... I like you. You are awesome but um... you are not Christian."
"I was raised catholic, I go to a catholic school." (Sidenote: Did not know Georgetown was a catholic school)
"It's not about the religion... it's not about the religion... It's about you loving God. Do you love God? Wow. That is a really weird sounding question, see... christian to non-christian... it's hard. I am just at a really good place in my life with God right now and I don't want to jeopardise it."
"I will become Christian."
"What? No! NO!"
"What? You don't want me to become Christian?"
"No! No... I want you... God wants you to become Christian! For you! Not for me... um... but... it's not... it's not..."
"Is Christianity really the reason?"
"Yes. Yes. But."
"Then I will become Christian."
"Okay. There are two reasons. The first, as weird as it may sound, is true. I will not date non-christians. The second is that you are leaving soon."
"Do you want something long-term?"
"No. no... I just don't want to become emotionally attached to someone and have them leave my life in two months or so. It's painful.
"Okay."
"But we should hang out though! Yeah! Go to taipo market! Buy some vegetables! You can help me identify what kale looks like!"
"You don't know what kale looks like?"
"Um. I know what American kale looks like. I am sure chinese kale looks different."
"Yeah."
"Okay I gotta go prepare for my speech"
"Alright. Bye."
"If you want to come to church, I go every sunday!"
Somewhere around the entry of kale into our conversation, I actually looked into his eyes, and they looked really sad. :( I'm sad. I feel like I could have handled everything so much better. Yes, I was taken aback by his declaration, but I behaved like an idiot. I was not kind, I did not try to address his feelings, or even really think about him. I was just anxious and trying to get out of the situation unscathed. I wasn't even completely honest with him - I left out the part where I don't want to go out with him, because I just don't feel for him.
I don't understand why is it that after so many years, I still cannot handle direct declarations which require my response. It has been a deeply humbling experience. I don't really know how to make this better, or even make him feel better. Ahhh! Any suggestions?
Friday 9 November 2012
Uncovering my "Grund"
From Milan Kundera's Immortality -
"In all languages derived from Latin, the word "reason" (ratio, raison, ragione) has a double meaning: first, it designates the ability to think, and only second, the cause. Therefore reason in the sense of a cause is always understood as something rational. A reason the rationality of which is not transparent would seem to be incapable of causing an effect. But in German, a reason in the sense of a cause is called Grund, a word having nothing to do with the Latin ratio and originally meaning "soil" and later "basis". From the viewpoint of the Latin ratio, the girl's behavior sitting down on a highway, seems absurd, inappropriate, irrational, and yet it has its reason, its basis, its ground, Grund. Such a Grund is inscribed deep in all of us, it is the ever-present cause of our actions, it is the soil from which our fate grows."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I spent the last 2 weeks manically flinging myself from one decision to another. Grasping at any possible reason to justify my latest fixation. I was caught up in a spiral of anxiety, self-doubt and longing. Most of my nights cumulated in me either sprawled on my bed overwhelmed, or crying helplessly in front of the computer, all whilst cramming abnormal psychology diagnostic criteria into my head. I bounced from professors' offices, to bewildered friends, and to my loving parents, desperately seeking validation and guidance. With each conversation, I felt myself steered in a different direction. My mind was crippled with self-doubt fostered by my persistent insecurities, and opinions given by a multitude of people.
My spirit was breaking. One conversation in particular dealt a huge blow. Last friday, I had a 2 hour consultation with my thesis professor. When I consulted him about a possible PhD, he looked me straight in the eye, and told me that I was at the emotional maturity of my peers, and that I need more time to develop. Decoded - it means you are average, please reconsider your attempt to join the best. His words hurt. The only thing that kept me together was the knowledge that he was a man who has never seen any of my work and had previously only had one conversation with me. I am deeply humbled by the realisation that I am not ready. Hurt feelings aside, he had a point - if I want to be in that 5% that gets into a clinical psychology PhD program, I need to take more time to get properly prepared. I believe that I have the ability, now I just need to get in shape.
Coming out of that emotional whirlpool, I must confess that I have lost faith in my ability to discern the desires of my heart. I don't know where I want to go, I only know what I want to do. Even within the category of what I want to do, I am unable to truly pinpoint my research interest. After deciding on, and later abandoning a whole spectrum of possible paths, I realised that I can come up with a dozen great sounding reasons for any decision. Rationality is not going to help me choose, it is just going to justify a whole host of ever increasing possibilities.
Inspired by Kundera, I decided to abandon the rational approach and delve within my consciousness for something more basic, grounded, in his words - the soil from which my fate grows. I used intrinsic joy and the instances when my mind lit up - as ropes to draw me into my history and my future. Following the subtle tugs of the ropes, I am starting to listen to myself.
I have learnt that I am a consistent human being that is often lost in my mind's temporal fixations. The grand themes of my life have remained unchanged, and I rejoice that I am starting to uncover them. So far, I have come to two realisations.
1) I love the mind. Thoughts, feelings and behavior, they all stem from it. I love the biology of the brain. The marvel of how the decision of whether to fire or not fire - of approximately 100 billion neurons with 1000 connections with other neurons - leads to potential states numbering approximately 10 to the millionth power. Those connections, they make up our consciousness. I love brain anatomy; I think it stems from my love of jargon and big words.
2) I yearn to belong to the world. I love Singapore; I love with it a passion that burns brighter each time I return. Singapore is so beautiful, it is so efficient and special. There really is no where else on earth like Singapore. As much as I love it though, I have always been more at peace with being an anonymous stranger on a foreign street than a Singaporean, in Singapore. Perhaps I will settle in Singapore one day, but for now, I want to be out there. I have lived in 3 major asian cities; Singapore, Shanghai and Hong Kong. I think its time to move out of Asia.
"In all languages derived from Latin, the word "reason" (ratio, raison, ragione) has a double meaning: first, it designates the ability to think, and only second, the cause. Therefore reason in the sense of a cause is always understood as something rational. A reason the rationality of which is not transparent would seem to be incapable of causing an effect. But in German, a reason in the sense of a cause is called Grund, a word having nothing to do with the Latin ratio and originally meaning "soil" and later "basis". From the viewpoint of the Latin ratio, the girl's behavior sitting down on a highway, seems absurd, inappropriate, irrational, and yet it has its reason, its basis, its ground, Grund. Such a Grund is inscribed deep in all of us, it is the ever-present cause of our actions, it is the soil from which our fate grows."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I spent the last 2 weeks manically flinging myself from one decision to another. Grasping at any possible reason to justify my latest fixation. I was caught up in a spiral of anxiety, self-doubt and longing. Most of my nights cumulated in me either sprawled on my bed overwhelmed, or crying helplessly in front of the computer, all whilst cramming abnormal psychology diagnostic criteria into my head. I bounced from professors' offices, to bewildered friends, and to my loving parents, desperately seeking validation and guidance. With each conversation, I felt myself steered in a different direction. My mind was crippled with self-doubt fostered by my persistent insecurities, and opinions given by a multitude of people.
My spirit was breaking. One conversation in particular dealt a huge blow. Last friday, I had a 2 hour consultation with my thesis professor. When I consulted him about a possible PhD, he looked me straight in the eye, and told me that I was at the emotional maturity of my peers, and that I need more time to develop. Decoded - it means you are average, please reconsider your attempt to join the best. His words hurt. The only thing that kept me together was the knowledge that he was a man who has never seen any of my work and had previously only had one conversation with me. I am deeply humbled by the realisation that I am not ready. Hurt feelings aside, he had a point - if I want to be in that 5% that gets into a clinical psychology PhD program, I need to take more time to get properly prepared. I believe that I have the ability, now I just need to get in shape.
Coming out of that emotional whirlpool, I must confess that I have lost faith in my ability to discern the desires of my heart. I don't know where I want to go, I only know what I want to do. Even within the category of what I want to do, I am unable to truly pinpoint my research interest. After deciding on, and later abandoning a whole spectrum of possible paths, I realised that I can come up with a dozen great sounding reasons for any decision. Rationality is not going to help me choose, it is just going to justify a whole host of ever increasing possibilities.
Inspired by Kundera, I decided to abandon the rational approach and delve within my consciousness for something more basic, grounded, in his words - the soil from which my fate grows. I used intrinsic joy and the instances when my mind lit up - as ropes to draw me into my history and my future. Following the subtle tugs of the ropes, I am starting to listen to myself.
I have learnt that I am a consistent human being that is often lost in my mind's temporal fixations. The grand themes of my life have remained unchanged, and I rejoice that I am starting to uncover them. So far, I have come to two realisations.
1) I love the mind. Thoughts, feelings and behavior, they all stem from it. I love the biology of the brain. The marvel of how the decision of whether to fire or not fire - of approximately 100 billion neurons with 1000 connections with other neurons - leads to potential states numbering approximately 10 to the millionth power. Those connections, they make up our consciousness. I love brain anatomy; I think it stems from my love of jargon and big words.
2) I yearn to belong to the world. I love Singapore; I love with it a passion that burns brighter each time I return. Singapore is so beautiful, it is so efficient and special. There really is no where else on earth like Singapore. As much as I love it though, I have always been more at peace with being an anonymous stranger on a foreign street than a Singaporean, in Singapore. Perhaps I will settle in Singapore one day, but for now, I want to be out there. I have lived in 3 major asian cities; Singapore, Shanghai and Hong Kong. I think its time to move out of Asia.
My desires intimidate me. However, I take comfort in the saying below.
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