B

I dreamt of B today. I woke up from the dry, shallow inhalations that were my body's attempt to breathe through the weight.

We were laughing helplessly at each other's antics. I was angry, petulant in the beginning. However he lost his balance and was falling over me, and I punched his balls by mistake. It was a riot.

Hypomania

I thought I was mentally unwell last week. I gave myself the diagnosis of Hypomania.

I had boundless energy, a constant grin on my face, reduced need for sleep, and confidence to surmount all obstacles. I talked to strangers, was quickly irritated and accomplished a large amount of tasks in a short period of time. I felt good, strong, and slightly unhinged.

Today I learnt that periods of Hypomania are a result of excessive dopamine secretions in the brain. Dopamine floods the system and results in increased feelings of pleasure and action seeking to attain rewards. Hypomaniac episodes last 4-6 days and are normally followed by depressed periods due to depleted stores of dopamine in the brain.

As it stands, I don't think I have Hypomania, it was a misdiagnosis. I attribute my elevated mood to the sense of newness and freshness each new school year brings. I attribute my reduced need for sleep to excitement, my confidence to past experience. I attribute my crazed sense of purpose, my commitment to filling up every minute of the day, my increased reliance on god and my increased sociability to a defense mechanism - protecting my brain against thoughts that would undermine my self worth and thoughts that would wipe the smile from my face.

An organized and packed schedule helps. Watch me turn the anger and the self-doubt into something that would shine brighter than the sun.

I Deserve Better

There is a boy whose face makes my world go quiet.

He has a look in his eyes - it's gentle, tender, tentative, and apprehensive. Sometimes I get to see it. At times I get a little panicky, a little anxious, a little sad when he won't meet my gaze. I can memorise the line of his jaw - narrow, defined and hard. I often encounter his jaw as I attempt to quiet my world, chin pointed away.

My fingertips have imprinted upon them the feel of his ribs, his bone and muscle. Instinctively, they want to touch him, to hold him. Touching him is always a mistake. Contact with him hollows me out.

I cry in front of him, and he does not take me in his arms. I tell him that I want to end things and he does not shed a tear. He sees me when it is convenient, when I fit into his schedule. His time is a gift, and I am to be grateful. He doesn't need me, he doesn't want me, everyone else in his life has the same ability to make him happy. He is happy, with or without me.

I am tired of trying to make a dent in his life, tired of trying to get him to look at me instead of turning away. Tired of trying to figure out if its me - that I just cannot inspire him to love me, or is it that he has no capacity to love me the way I need to be loved. I'm tired of testing the weight of my presence in his world. I'm tired of trying to see if I can affect his emotions, tired of realising how ineffectual I am. I am tired of pretending that I do not love him as much as I do. I am tired of pretending that I do not want to see him 5 days a week, I am tired of protecting myself from someone who can and will hurt me. I am tired of trying to become someone that he would love more. I know that I am bigger and stronger, I am better than the reflection of me in his eyes.

My mouth is puckered with bitterness. I am going to savour it. I will remember it. I will nurse it and feed it. My bitterness will be my armor - with it, I will build a wall to keep him out.

I deserve better.

I deserve someone that makes my world erupt with laughter. Someone that would look at me. Someone that would hold me when I cry, someone that I can delight with my presence and hurt with my absence. I deserve better.

Identity Foreclosed

James Marcia, a developmental psychologist came up with a theory called the Identity Status Theory.

In it, he claims that there are 4 identity statuses of psychological identity development. These are determined largely by the choices and commitments made regarding certain personal and social traits.

Identity achieved: Refers to when one has gone through crisis and made a commitment to their final decision/identity.
Identity foreclosed: Refers to when one has not gone through any crisis, but made a commitment to their final decision/identity.
Moratorium: Refers to a state of crisis where the individual has not committed to anything as yet.
Identity Diffused: Refers to a lack of crisis and lack of commitment to any form of decision/identity.

I feel like most of the decisions that I have made about my life are made by commitment without crisis. I fear the crisis and the struggle so much, that I tend to reject moratorium and instead make a commitment to the nearest and most feasible possibility to alleviate my uncomfortable state of mind.

Using the apt phrasing of someone I know - I make decisions based on convenience. It is convenient for me to pursue a path in clinical psychology, it was convenient for me to take the STB scholarship instead of researching and applying for more alternatives. It was convenient for me to only date people that would eventually be on another continent. (no mess) It is convenient for me to stay on at City Harvest, despite my objections.

This is all very out of character for me because I have been someone that prided myself on always being in crisis, thinking hard and caring about the decisions that I eventually make. Now, I am starting to realise that I only struggle for the shortest of times, then, without coming to any resolutions about anything, decide on commitment. When there is an easy way out, I take it... and then convince myself and everyone around me that I have thought long and hard about it.

Foreclosure is not a stable identity stage because resolution without crisis, is all too easily challenged with a few piercing thoughts and doubts.

I am terrified though, of never getting out of moratorium. There just seem to be some decisions in life that one can never find a satisfying answer for.