I was not kind in the past 24 hours.
On my 23rd birthday, I spent quite a bit of time reflecting upon the upheavals and dramatic changes of my 22nd year. I felt that I had reached a new level of maturity, and I was glad.
Yesterday night, when a boy told me that he liked me, I realised that in so many ways, I am still an incredible idiot. Here is how it went...
"You know that I like you right?"
"huh? what? what? huh? I don't know what you are talking about! mmmmmm hahah what? haha what? ummmm...."
"I like you"
"Are you being weird cause its late, and we just spent the last 6 hours working on that paper? The night makes people weeeeiiirrrrdddd.... yeeeesssssssss"
"No, I am not being weird."
"hrummmm, mmmm, yeah, hahahahha.... K. I gotta go."
To be honest, my cognitive resources were spent from working on that paper. It was 2.15am, and we were exhausted. I went home, hit the shower, and then realised that I just called someone weird for saying that he liked me. I was disrespectful, facetious and unkind. I resolved to be better.
Today, when we were walking back from class, it happened again.
"Today, I asked our professor to share tips on how to use psychology persuasion tactics to get someone to date you."
"Haha! What? What?"
"He said to first ask her... "Will you marry me?""
"Whoa! hahaha....hahhaa....hahaha...."
"Then, ask her.... "Would you go out with me?" That's the sales technique of low-balling right there."
"Hahaha! Um. Great application of in-class theories! I wonder if our professor is great with women. What do you think?"
"Will you go out with me?"
"Um... um... haha... wow. um... no... no... I like you. You are awesome but um... you are not Christian."
"I was raised catholic, I go to a catholic school." (Sidenote: Did not know Georgetown was a catholic school)
"It's not about the religion... it's not about the religion... It's about you loving God. Do you love God? Wow. That is a really weird sounding question, see... christian to non-christian... it's hard. I am just at a really good place in my life with God right now and I don't want to jeopardise it."
"I will become Christian."
"What? No! NO!"
"What? You don't want me to become Christian?"
"No! No... I want you... God wants you to become Christian! For you! Not for me... um... but... it's not... it's not..."
"Is Christianity really the reason?"
"Yes. Yes. But."
"Then I will become Christian."
"Okay. There are two reasons. The first, as weird as it may sound, is true. I will not date non-christians. The second is that you are leaving soon."
"Do you want something long-term?"
"No. no... I just don't want to become emotionally attached to someone and have them leave my life in two months or so. It's painful.
"Okay."
"But we should hang out though! Yeah! Go to taipo market! Buy some vegetables! You can help me identify what kale looks like!"
"You don't know what kale looks like?"
"Um. I know what American kale looks like. I am sure chinese kale looks different."
"Yeah."
"Okay I gotta go prepare for my speech"
"Alright. Bye."
"If you want to come to church, I go every sunday!"
Somewhere around the entry of kale into our conversation, I actually looked into his eyes, and they looked really sad. :( I'm sad. I feel like I could have handled everything so much better. Yes, I was taken aback by his declaration, but I behaved like an idiot. I was not kind, I did not try to address his feelings, or even really think about him. I was just anxious and trying to get out of the situation unscathed. I wasn't even completely honest with him - I left out the part where I don't want to go out with him, because I just don't feel for him.
I don't understand why is it that after so many years, I still cannot handle direct declarations which require my response. It has been a deeply humbling experience. I don't really know how to make this better, or even make him feel better. Ahhh! Any suggestions?
On my 23rd birthday, I spent quite a bit of time reflecting upon the upheavals and dramatic changes of my 22nd year. I felt that I had reached a new level of maturity, and I was glad.
Yesterday night, when a boy told me that he liked me, I realised that in so many ways, I am still an incredible idiot. Here is how it went...
"You know that I like you right?"
"huh? what? what? huh? I don't know what you are talking about! mmmmmm hahah what? haha what? ummmm...."
"I like you"
"Are you being weird cause its late, and we just spent the last 6 hours working on that paper? The night makes people weeeeiiirrrrdddd.... yeeeesssssssss"
"No, I am not being weird."
"hrummmm, mmmm, yeah, hahahahha.... K. I gotta go."
To be honest, my cognitive resources were spent from working on that paper. It was 2.15am, and we were exhausted. I went home, hit the shower, and then realised that I just called someone weird for saying that he liked me. I was disrespectful, facetious and unkind. I resolved to be better.
Today, when we were walking back from class, it happened again.
"Today, I asked our professor to share tips on how to use psychology persuasion tactics to get someone to date you."
"Haha! What? What?"
"He said to first ask her... "Will you marry me?""
"Whoa! hahaha....hahhaa....hahaha...."
"Then, ask her.... "Would you go out with me?" That's the sales technique of low-balling right there."
"Hahaha! Um. Great application of in-class theories! I wonder if our professor is great with women. What do you think?"
"Will you go out with me?"
"Um... um... haha... wow. um... no... no... I like you. You are awesome but um... you are not Christian."
"I was raised catholic, I go to a catholic school." (Sidenote: Did not know Georgetown was a catholic school)
"It's not about the religion... it's not about the religion... It's about you loving God. Do you love God? Wow. That is a really weird sounding question, see... christian to non-christian... it's hard. I am just at a really good place in my life with God right now and I don't want to jeopardise it."
"I will become Christian."
"What? No! NO!"
"What? You don't want me to become Christian?"
"No! No... I want you... God wants you to become Christian! For you! Not for me... um... but... it's not... it's not..."
"Is Christianity really the reason?"
"Yes. Yes. But."
"Then I will become Christian."
"Okay. There are two reasons. The first, as weird as it may sound, is true. I will not date non-christians. The second is that you are leaving soon."
"Do you want something long-term?"
"No. no... I just don't want to become emotionally attached to someone and have them leave my life in two months or so. It's painful.
"Okay."
"But we should hang out though! Yeah! Go to taipo market! Buy some vegetables! You can help me identify what kale looks like!"
"You don't know what kale looks like?"
"Um. I know what American kale looks like. I am sure chinese kale looks different."
"Yeah."
"Okay I gotta go prepare for my speech"
"Alright. Bye."
"If you want to come to church, I go every sunday!"
Somewhere around the entry of kale into our conversation, I actually looked into his eyes, and they looked really sad. :( I'm sad. I feel like I could have handled everything so much better. Yes, I was taken aback by his declaration, but I behaved like an idiot. I was not kind, I did not try to address his feelings, or even really think about him. I was just anxious and trying to get out of the situation unscathed. I wasn't even completely honest with him - I left out the part where I don't want to go out with him, because I just don't feel for him.
I don't understand why is it that after so many years, I still cannot handle direct declarations which require my response. It has been a deeply humbling experience. I don't really know how to make this better, or even make him feel better. Ahhh! Any suggestions?
1 comment:
Alison, so cute! What a cute post.
Thank you for the honesty.
This part was totally you:
"Yes. Yes. But." !!
I remember the time, when A was massaging S, and then C says: "Are you guys together?" And A says: "NO!!?" And S says: "Hahaha!"
S2.
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