To love or to be loved

No matter how much we like to deny it, we really are creatures made by our parents. The way we think, the way we look, even the way we hold a pair of chopsticks have their imprints stamped all over.

Daddy has always taught me that to be loved by someone is way more comfortable and important than to love someone. In fact, he even repeatedly told me over the years to find someone that loves me more than I love him. This random bit of parental wisdom has strangely influenced my entire view towards love, relationships and lalala. Needless to say, because of that I grew up a rather frigid and cold child, unable and afraid to give before I receive. Thank god I had a mediating big sisterly influence in my life who tried to impress upon my little mind that sometimes I have to give first, sometimes I just have to love first. But Grace's advice never guaranteed love back whereas Daddy's advice promised that I will always be loved when I love.

Recently during a conversation with someone, I had to face up to this strange unexamined portion of myself. When I was younger, it was so easy to idealistically tell Daddy that I want to love him just as much as he loves me. Now, I know why people are constantly trying to strike a balance- Cause there is no such thing. One party always loves the other more, and that is the party that suffers. Thats how songs like the one below pierce hearts.

How many times have I heard or even uttered the statements- Why doesn't she/he call? Why doesn't she/he want to meet me more often? Why doesn't she/he care? Hot cold Hot cold Honestly because of my Daddy's drilling, the answer in my heart to that will always be she/he doesn't love/like you you enough. Sure, she/he likes you she/he may even love you! But not enough. Am I right? When someone doesn't call or express affection, does it mean that she/he doesn't love him/her enough? But how much is enough? And if there is an enough, what separates it from too much? Its a cruel statement and also a hopeless one. When confronted with that fact, one cannot do anything. Its too extreme to leave and too sad to put up with it. One way out is as she says- "Every time he hurts me, I love him a little less. If I'm lucky, I'll stop loving him by the time he delivers the final blow." But that is too sad as well.

Such a ramble with no conclusion. Daddy will have something to say about this as well. He always says that a discussion with no conclusion or solution is but a waste of time, saliva and money. AH! there is no end to this. Have fun with the song lyrics!

下雨天了怎么办
我好想你
不敢打给你
我找不到原因
为什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景
做你的代替
陪我听雨滴

期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞
一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨怎样的夜 (What kind of rain What kind of night)
怎样的我能让你更想念 (What must I be to make you miss me more)
雨要多大天要多黑 (How harsh the rain How dark the night)
才能够有你的体贴 (Must be for me to have your care)
-loosely translated. But It'll suffice.