I think I have cognitively controlled my self-esteem into a funk.
I really like this boy that is neurotic, deeply passionate, manipulative, controlling, magnetic, vulnerable and beautifully spiritual. In one of his short-lived but intense periods of passion, I was drawn into his world.
His passion for me has been extinguished.
I want to be close to him again. I want to be special in his life. I want to know why. I want to take care of him. I want to be there for him.
It is a drastic drop into insignificance.
As a sane, pragmatic and self-loving individual, I have been trying to take measures to protect myself. My chosen method of coping has been cognitive control. I try to kill all hope within and suppress wishful thoughts. When I want to walk towards him, I tell myself that he does not want me anymore. When he takes the seat beside me, I tell myself that it is because of the person on the other side. When he says that he does not care about my feelings, I take it literally. When he only sees me in a group, I tell myself that it is because he is keeping a distance from me. When he spends time with the girl I was a rebound from, I tell myself that it is because she is more spiritual, pure, innocent and more lovable than me.
I need to stop this. I wanted to write my thoughts out so that I may realise how absolutely disgusting and self-defeating they are. So he isn't into me anymore. Well, I sincerely think that it is his loss. I refuse to be a martyr. I refuse to even be in the same competition as a teenager. I am a strong, intelligent, loving, supportive and beautiful young woman. I am growing in my faith every day, I have found, and am immersed in study that makes me excited for life. God loves me. I am his daughter.
Now, I just have to work on believing all the above when I am standing in front of him.
I really like this boy that is neurotic, deeply passionate, manipulative, controlling, magnetic, vulnerable and beautifully spiritual. In one of his short-lived but intense periods of passion, I was drawn into his world.
His passion for me has been extinguished.
I want to be close to him again. I want to be special in his life. I want to know why. I want to take care of him. I want to be there for him.
It is a drastic drop into insignificance.
As a sane, pragmatic and self-loving individual, I have been trying to take measures to protect myself. My chosen method of coping has been cognitive control. I try to kill all hope within and suppress wishful thoughts. When I want to walk towards him, I tell myself that he does not want me anymore. When he takes the seat beside me, I tell myself that it is because of the person on the other side. When he says that he does not care about my feelings, I take it literally. When he only sees me in a group, I tell myself that it is because he is keeping a distance from me. When he spends time with the girl I was a rebound from, I tell myself that it is because she is more spiritual, pure, innocent and more lovable than me.
I need to stop this. I wanted to write my thoughts out so that I may realise how absolutely disgusting and self-defeating they are. So he isn't into me anymore. Well, I sincerely think that it is his loss. I refuse to be a martyr. I refuse to even be in the same competition as a teenager. I am a strong, intelligent, loving, supportive and beautiful young woman. I am growing in my faith every day, I have found, and am immersed in study that makes me excited for life. God loves me. I am his daughter.
Now, I just have to work on believing all the above when I am standing in front of him.
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