I want to be a Cookie Cutter Christian.
When I was 13 going on 14, I had a crush on a girl named Jasmine. She was soft-spoken, kind, and a badminton player. Jasmine wasn't particularly pretty, but there was something about her that made me deeply desire her attention and admiration. Jasmine was the first person to invite me to a church event. It was an outreach by the beach on the other side of the island. I remember that I felt awkward, and in my eagerness to prove myself to Jasmine, made several false starts in a running game.
Jasmine's basic info on FB consists only of one line: Religious Views - Christian.
Jasmine could be viewed as my teenage dabble in homosexuality, or she could be seen as the first in my pattern of cookie cutter christians.
While other girls went through their phases of being attracted to bad boys, I was drawn irresistibly to the good ones. The ones that shone with a loving gentleness, the ones in whose lives god is inextricable. I put on a pedestal the ones who grew up in loving Christian families and were conditioned from a very young age with premium christian values. They knew how to speak Christian-nese, they knew what was right and wrong, they knew without a doubt that god exists. Their worlds were painted black and white, their moralities taught to them and they knew everyone at church. The attraction wasn't exactly romantic, it was admiration with a power differential.
I have a theory about my admiration. I do not possess naivete or an easy smile. Happiness, ease and contentment do not come easily to me. I am over analytical, morally ambiguous and a sensualist. Even as a child, I was hypercritical, anxious and negative. All these aside, there has always been in me a longing for good, for lightness. I became and stayed a Christian because of the heart wrenching goodness of god. Salvation, eternal life... these are concepts that I am deeply grateful for, but have never quite resonated in me. I believe that it is the contrast that draws me to these cookie cutter types. They have what I do not and because of that, I desire intensely their approval.
The problem with my attraction is that the closer I get to these cookie cutter types, the more the proximity highlights my darkness relative to their light and my moral ambiguity in contrast to their black and white worlds. I begin to feel overly critical, I start to resent my moderate christian line, I start to panic as to why I don't seem to want the right things, or say the right things, or possess the right values. I don't even listen to the proper music or read the right books! Being in church is difficult.
I want to be a cookie cutter christian. I wish I was conditioned when my mind was malleable and impressionable to believe that god exists. I wish sunday school taught me Christian-nese and told me exactly what to do and what not to do. I wish I was conditioned to want and seek happiness, to embrace positivity and love. I wish I was less analytical, less critical and more accepting. I wish my world was clearly split into black and white for me by a spiritual youth group leader. I wish I was Cookie Cutter Christian enough.
Yes. It is obvious that I struggle with feelings of inadequacy that should not have a place in the heart of a child of God. I want to be more loving, I want to possess a spirit of gentleness and servitude. I want to love god and his people more. I know that there are other non cookie cutter ways to go about it, but sometimes I just wish things were easier, that I would not have to struggle so much with my faith. I want to be there already. However, we all have our unique challenges in God. I believe that the God that placed me in a non-christian household, that gave me my critical mind and slightly neurotic personality did so with complete control and divine intent. I trust in the one purely good entity. I long for a different path, but I know that it is not my road to take.
I want to be a cookie cutter christian, but I do not want to become one.
When I was 13 going on 14, I had a crush on a girl named Jasmine. She was soft-spoken, kind, and a badminton player. Jasmine wasn't particularly pretty, but there was something about her that made me deeply desire her attention and admiration. Jasmine was the first person to invite me to a church event. It was an outreach by the beach on the other side of the island. I remember that I felt awkward, and in my eagerness to prove myself to Jasmine, made several false starts in a running game.
Jasmine's basic info on FB consists only of one line: Religious Views - Christian.
Jasmine could be viewed as my teenage dabble in homosexuality, or she could be seen as the first in my pattern of cookie cutter christians.
While other girls went through their phases of being attracted to bad boys, I was drawn irresistibly to the good ones. The ones that shone with a loving gentleness, the ones in whose lives god is inextricable. I put on a pedestal the ones who grew up in loving Christian families and were conditioned from a very young age with premium christian values. They knew how to speak Christian-nese, they knew what was right and wrong, they knew without a doubt that god exists. Their worlds were painted black and white, their moralities taught to them and they knew everyone at church. The attraction wasn't exactly romantic, it was admiration with a power differential.
I have a theory about my admiration. I do not possess naivete or an easy smile. Happiness, ease and contentment do not come easily to me. I am over analytical, morally ambiguous and a sensualist. Even as a child, I was hypercritical, anxious and negative. All these aside, there has always been in me a longing for good, for lightness. I became and stayed a Christian because of the heart wrenching goodness of god. Salvation, eternal life... these are concepts that I am deeply grateful for, but have never quite resonated in me. I believe that it is the contrast that draws me to these cookie cutter types. They have what I do not and because of that, I desire intensely their approval.
The problem with my attraction is that the closer I get to these cookie cutter types, the more the proximity highlights my darkness relative to their light and my moral ambiguity in contrast to their black and white worlds. I begin to feel overly critical, I start to resent my moderate christian line, I start to panic as to why I don't seem to want the right things, or say the right things, or possess the right values. I don't even listen to the proper music or read the right books! Being in church is difficult.
I want to be a cookie cutter christian. I wish I was conditioned when my mind was malleable and impressionable to believe that god exists. I wish sunday school taught me Christian-nese and told me exactly what to do and what not to do. I wish I was conditioned to want and seek happiness, to embrace positivity and love. I wish I was less analytical, less critical and more accepting. I wish my world was clearly split into black and white for me by a spiritual youth group leader. I wish I was Cookie Cutter Christian enough.
Yes. It is obvious that I struggle with feelings of inadequacy that should not have a place in the heart of a child of God. I want to be more loving, I want to possess a spirit of gentleness and servitude. I want to love god and his people more. I know that there are other non cookie cutter ways to go about it, but sometimes I just wish things were easier, that I would not have to struggle so much with my faith. I want to be there already. However, we all have our unique challenges in God. I believe that the God that placed me in a non-christian household, that gave me my critical mind and slightly neurotic personality did so with complete control and divine intent. I trust in the one purely good entity. I long for a different path, but I know that it is not my road to take.
I want to be a cookie cutter christian, but I do not want to become one.
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