Cappuccino

My greatest pleasure during this period of time must be the making and drinking of cappuccino. Its something about the perfectly steamed velvety and slightly caramelised milk, the swirling of the milk to lend it that beautiful gloss, the tilt of the cup and the careful pour. 50% of the time, I will manage to create a perfect little heart with the foam, the ultimate manifestation of how much love I put into that cup. I must admit though, when put into the hands of a callous customer, it causes my own heart to break a little.

A cup of cappuccino provides such comfort. The smoothness of the foam, the warmth of the milky fragrant coffee and the slight sweetness of the chocolate powder combined, create a sensation unlike any other. I wish could live in a cup of cappuccino... of course, I would have to make it myself.

没有钱你会爱我吗？

没有钱你会爱我吗？At work, I hear this at least once a day. It has come to the point where I have run out of ways to make light of that statement.

The boys I work with are young, independent creatures. Be it 19 or 25, they all have the same tale of leaving their homes to try find better paying work here in Singapore. They are cooks drawing the same hourly rate of $5.5/hour, but the crucial difference is that for me, this job is merely a sojourn into a different world but for them it is something they have to struggle to rise above.

Its odd really, the difference between them and the other young men of my acquaintance. They all think about girls, cars and gadgets, however the conversations about these are vastly different. Its not "will she like me? Shall I get an iPhone or a BB? When should I buy a car?" but its "How can I find a girl if I am so poor? How am I to buy her dinner? Will she be upset if we take the bus? Should I replace my old broken phone?" Sometimes, I find myself at a loss, I just do not know how to reply. What am I to say to "Alison, will you love me if I am poor?" The thing is, they are not asking if a girl would love them, they are asking if a girl would accept them and entrust them with her future.

I was pushed to do some self reflection upon hearing the above question over and over again. I remember the first time I answered with a "I don't think I could marry an unsuccessful man." Now, don't ask me to define success, that would be a whole different blog post. However, I wanted to swallow that sentence whole after I saw the look on the cook's face. He reacted by slapping the towel he was holding on the metal table exclaiming "how am I supposed to become successful! I am stuck working at this job 10 hours a day to make ends meet, how am I supposed to become successful!" Despite the overly personal language that seem to hint at a direct reply to me, I think he making a general statement about such affairs in his life. Now, the phrase "没有钱你会爱我吗?" has become their mantra... its played on their handphones as they cook, on the tips of their tongues when they converse and each time they say it, I feel like someone shoved a cotton wad down my throat.

I used to pride myself on not being a materialistic person. I thought that wealth was not important. My only criteria for a man was for him to love god and be intelligent. However I think the old me was never confronted with men in their position before. I was complacent and arrogant enough to completely ignore the presence of others beyond my comfort zone and thus stupid enough to make self satisfied proclamations about not caring about money. I struggle with my ideas of inequality, with my just discovered materialism and my prejudices.

After watching Jane Eyre the other day, something struck me during the epic dialogue between her and Rochester.

"Do you think I am an automaton? ­ a machine without feelings?...Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong — I have as much soul as you, — and full as much heart...I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh; — it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God's feet, equal, — as we are"

It was not the romance of the latter words that tugged at my heartstrings but the sentence "Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong — I have as much soul as you, — and full as much heart" Who am I to disregard someone because of their social status, success or money making ability. Is my heart ruled by elitism? The romantic love that I can have for a man, does it come dangling with requirements, sculpted by my socio-economic class? If so, then is that kind of elitist love true and proper?

The Morningside Muse

There is this inspirational poster in my bedroom. On it, a beautiful bluish orange picture of a mountain range and a quote by G.B. Shaw. It goes as follows "People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

I have lived by this code for the past few years. "If you can't find them, make them." I believe that to get opportunities, I cannot wait for others to give them to me, I have to find a way to create a situation most conducive for opportunity seizing. I chanced upon a way of creating these situations when I was 15. I realised that if I brought new and fresh ideas to old systems/ways of doing things, I could often find people that were willing to give me a chance. Using this method, I became head girl guide, spearheaded the Singapore Young Photographers Convention, got 3 government scholarships, went to China, then Hong Kong and most recently, started The Morningside Muse.

The Morningside Muse, current bane of my life and first aid for my self esteem. It is the clearest example in my life of how my method of opportunistic creation merely serves to open doors. The MM has been an incredibly humbling and disappointing experience for me, issue after issue. Opening its pages is like confronting myself with all my leadership inadequacies and publishing idiocy. Yet, I still revel in the feel of its glossy pages and clutch desperately at the hope that the next one will be better.

The problem with the MM is its initial concept, it is supposed to be a platform for talented self expression. It was supposed to be a portal wherein youths can say what they wanted to say, to shake off apathy and showcase their talents. The concept though lofty and pretty has turned round to bite itself. Self expression means its difficult to regulate the content, an open platform means that it is difficult for me to turn away work or edit it too much. Free design means that I get 16 brightly coloured pages that are the opposite of classy and refined and unfortunately, never match. Efforts to contain feel suspiciously like suppression and in HK, that is a big no no. I am finding it immensely hard to edit when others send me articles that may be offensive as I do not know if I should be allowed to censor. Its been tough chasing after people to hand me articles as I'm starting to feel like the MM has become an obligation for the writers instead of an inspiration.

I want to make it better, but in this case, I don't know how. Maybe its time for a meeting. One of our many ineffectual meetings where 5 people turn up.

I really do not know if I should or can give up on the idea. I don't even know if the MM has any contribution whatsoever to Morningside or CUHK. One thing I do know, it does feel good every time printing day arrives. Its also great on my resume... till the day some employer reads it I guess.

Ahhhh... My pet project